On the Rhode to Art

Dealing with people

2012-01-27T15:03:00.003-05:00

Living in an apartment building for the elderly and disabled, I am continually reminded of the generation gap, and never more so than when I attend the monthly dinners held by the Tenants Association. At least those that feature music played during dinner and afterwards for dancing.

You basically have the difference between the Baby Boomers (of which I am one) and the "Greatest Generation" (those who lived through World War II). The GG's generally cannot abide the music chosen for the dinners because it's chosen by the Baby Boomers who control the Association. The music is too loud, not appropriate for dancing, etc etc.

Myself, I don't usually care one way or another. My musical tastes cross generations, although I admit that I cannot abide hip hop/rap or much of today's pop. I am happy with jazzy standards and I am happy with disco. Anything to drown out the noise I continually hear.

It's easy here to provoke an argument and ill feeling. In a close-living community like this, tempers can flare easily and things seem to hurt more deeply than in other places. There was a disagreement this morning about a woman "hogging" the front seat in the bus that takes tenants shopping at the local supermarket. Another woman was incredibly upset by last night's dinner being a pajama party. She was upset because the building has a policy against people wearing pajamas in the community room and she felt the Tenants Association was breaking the rules. However, the organizers of the party had gotten permission from management so....

Generally, I have found it best to keep my mouth firmly zipped shut. I am friendly with people but there are few that I have close relationships with. And those that I have "close" relationships with don't really know me well.

That's probably because I don't say very much about myself. And even if I do, it doesn't seem to penetrate, unfortunately. When I do say something about what's going on with me, it's received a bit perfunctorily, as in when you ask someone "how are you doing?" and you really don't care about the answer, you're just asking to be polite.

Some of this has changed, though. Ever since an article about me was published in the Providence Journal, Rhode Island's main newspaper, those here who read it are aware that I deal with mental illness. And some have made a point of approaching me to say how much they appreciated my openness. Others probably have a different opinion. Which is fine. I'd rather be disliked for being crazy than for being bad tempered and argumentative the way some are here.

I just really want to get along with people, and feel free to live my own life. And this place allows me to do just that. For which I am truly thankful.

The board book is finished

2012-01-25T18:52:00.003-05:00

I mentioned the other day that I was working on an altered board book to use for a workshop at PeaceLove in a couple of weeks. It's far from perfect. I haven't done one of these books in a couple of years and I was frustrated because I didn't take the book apart first, before altering it. However, I think it'll be a good example for the workshop.

Here's the cover:

And one page:

And another:

I was reminded today when I was down at PeaceLove that I had to make a baby card for Amanda, one of our volunteers, so that was my project earlier. I am also beginning to make 2013 calendars. Yeah, I know it's early and we might not even have a 2013 if the dire predictions about the end of the world are true as forecast by the Mayan calendar.

There are other things I want to work on, but I have to pace myself and not try to do everything at once. It's something to remember in life, as well as art. Something I tend to forget.

Chief in my heart today

2012-01-23T15:14:00.000-05:00

is the Patriots' win over the Ravens in the AFC Championships. I seriously didn't think the Pats would get past the Ravens, even before the game. But miracle by miracle the win happened (although it took some screw-ups by the Ravens for the Patriots to win), and now on to Indianapolis for the Super Bowl.

The NFC didn't go the way I hoped. I was so hoping the 49ners would beat the Giants since I really dislike Giants quarterback Eli Manning. Mainly because I am just not fond of the Manning family in general though I respect them as superb players and athletes. But the Giants prevailed, prompting a rematch of the 2008 Super Bowl in which the Giants won at the last minute. I hope that doesn't happen this time around.

Over the past few years I have become a football geek. I have NFL Network on my FIOS and watch it regularly. Alone of most of the people I know I knew that if the Ravens and the 49ners won their conferences it would be the first matchup of brothers as head coaches in NFL history (the Harbaughs). I know the QBs of almost all the AFC teams, am aware of who has the highest picks in this year's draft, and on and on. I know that Rex Ryan is the coach of the Jets and that his brother Rob is the defensive coordinator of the Cowboys.

Drew Bledsoe

I don't think I was ever much interested in football most of my life. About the only time I got interested was whenever the Pats got into the Super Bowl--which was rare. 1986 and 1996 were the first two. However, when Drew Bledsoe became the QB for the Pats, for some reason I got interested. Not because I was a particular fan of Bledsoe, but something clicked.

Tedy Bruschi

Then came the infamous hit to Bledsoe in 2001 that took him out for the season, and Tom Brady took over and never looked back. I was saddened that Bledsoe was brushed aside after shepherding the team for several years, and I really have never quite taken to Brady as much as everybody else has. Yes, the man is a QB for the ages but maybe he's too pretty (lol), too photogenic.

No, the player I really love still is Tedy Bruschi, the great former linebacker for the Pats. I have a photo on my refrigerator of him with Tom Brady. Most people who see the picture think it's because Brady is in the photo. Nope. When I saw the photo at a sports memorabilia kiosk at Providence Place Mall, it was mine! I so rarely saw 8x10's with Bruschi that I had to have it. Just something about him that piques my interest.

So, to turn this back to art, while I was home watching the game (and before I went to my mom in law's to play Scrabble), I did work on some collages that had been previously done that I wasn't happy with.

One collage that I'd rejected is this one. Try as I might I just couldn't get enthusiastic about it. Well, it's gone to Collage Heaven. I took it apart and scrubbed down the canvas for future use. It just wasn't working and I just wasn't happy at all.

However, I had better luck with a second collage that I worked on.

This collage looked like this earlier:

I loved the textures and the colors, but thought it was really, really bland. So, I played around with it a bit, and came up with a new version.

I like it better now. The two additional elements added seem to give it a little more interest. Maybe. Now that I look at it again, I'm again not so sure. Guess it'll have to sit a while longer.

It feels good to be working. I have not done anything with the board book since Saturday, except gather materials. Today I'll get back to it.

Finally, snow!

2012-01-21T18:45:00.003-05:00

The past couple of days we've seen snow which is definitely a change from the warmer temperatures we've had much of the past couple of months. The estimate is that we got 6 inches today, and probably about 2 inches Thursday night into Friday. Not a bad total for two days.

Most of the people here at the Manor dislike the snow and cold. Not surprisingly. I imagine as one grows older, one's body becomes less able to deal with colder temperatures. I wouldn't know--I'm well insulated! And I don't think most drivers appreciate snow--it's of course hard to drive in. I know that today, when my friend Karen was driving me home from the studio (we closed early because of the weather), we had a couple of moments where we wondered if we were going to slide into an accident.

Although I was disappointed that no one came to the studio for Saturday's morning activities, I was glad that we closed the place down early. It gave me a chance to come home and do my weekly chores, attempt to make pork wontons, and play with the kitties.

It also has given me a chance to work on a project.

Now that I am running the Saturday programs at the studio, I'm spending much more time searching for activities that are good for kids and adults. Today's activity was to be the tissue paper plates I talked about earlier this week. Since nobody came, I'm going to push that to February, no problem, since next week we're supposed to make valentines.

One project I want to introduce in February for adults is altered board books. These are the board books so popular for teaching young children to read. Since I do believe that there should be an example of the project so that people can see what can be done, this week I started working on altering a board book. It's going to be in a green color scheme. I finished laying down the backgrounds last night--they're very simple, just green papers glued on to the book pages.

This afternoon, taking advantage of the kitties sleeping, I started embellishing the pages. I've started four, so far. I am not doing this with any great plan. Just embellishing as I go and I'll figure out what the theme will be once I do the first layer of embellishments. But I can definitely say that it's in my usual style. It'll be fun to see how this book turns out.

What I would have liked to have done at the outset was cut the book apart and then rebind the pages. But I decided against that. That will be for a future board book.

Several years ago I did several altered books, but got out of this particular craft--I must admit that I bore quickly. Now, thanks to becoming the Saturday activity coordinator at the studio, I seem to have rediscovered something I used to enjoy. I can't wait to see what happens.

I don't have any scans of the book ready, since the pages are sticky, but I will scan it when it's finished.

In the meantime this is a page from one of those older altered books. The book I altered was a biography of Katharine Hepburn that I had picked up at Savers. The project was a round robin with a theme of "remarkable women." Well, the most remarkable woman I know is my mother. So that was the theme for all the pages I did for this project, a set of two for each participant's book. This would have been done in 2008, I think.

My mother's favorite color was blue, hence the color scheme. The frames around the photos were hand cut out of blue scrapbook paper. The documents are copies of my mother's confirmation and death certificates, which I attempted to age using Tim Holtz' distressed inks. It didn't turn out too badly, I guess.

Life is pretty decent at this moment

2012-01-19T19:23:00.001-05:00

I am happy. While on a shopping foray with my brother Will, I bought two pounds of cod from Seabra Market, and some cinnamon raisin bread at Trader Joe's. Among other things. Tons of cat food and litter. I didn't buy as much as usual, but it was enough to fill about 6 tote bags. The bread was delicious, as usual--had some for toast tonight.

Yeah, I know, boring details of my life.

What is happening art-wise is that, with my cousin Jan's help, I brought over three canvases to the VSA Arts office in Pawtucket for their annual exhibition in March. I don't have photos of two of the pieces, but the third one is pretty nice.

My friend Michele really wants to own this, and it is hers unless someone else buys it first. The piece is called "Waiting" and basically it portrays a woman waiting for her sweetheart to come home from war. It actually is among the first collages I ever did and was difficult to frame because I had done it on a pretty bad piece of foam core board. I mounted it badly to begin with and the framing place told me that in order to frame it properly, it needed to be re-matted and framed under glass. Don't quite understand why--I think they just wanted to sell me a framing job with glass. But I have to admit the effect is quite nice.

Another piece is called "Le Petit Parisien," with a little boy tipping his hat, surrounded by French-themed papers and items. And, finally, a somewhat abstract piece called "Brothers" that is basically a bunch of vintage papers arranged on papers from the brown color family, along with a small photo of two brothers.

The exhibition is the 9th Annual Sherlock Exhibition and takes place in March at the Atrium at the Rhode Island State Administration Building in Providence. It's a pretty large show and focuses on artists with disabilities. I exhibited last year and was happy to receive an invitation for this year.

I have not done a lot of art this week, having been busy with different projects. But I am hoping that will change. I actually did do some small pieces for PeaceLove, for their "Peace of Art" project which sells small works by community members to raise money for the studio. I did six new ones, having contributed some 14 previous pieces. Here are two:

These are of course in the style I'm most accustomed to, not in the new direction that I'm still contemplating taking. We'll see how THAT goes.

Tissue Paper Project

2012-01-16T13:58:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I spent the day with my friends Michele and Adam. It really was a day for us to catch up with each other, and to talk about everything under the sun. Michele and I did our usual creative thing, she with her jewelry and me with a project for next Saturday's kids program.

The project involves gluing scrumped-up pieces of tissue paper to a clear plastic plate, or to a foam plate. I found the project online and thought it'd be fun. What I thought was funny was that I took over 3 hours to do my plate, because I was using small pieces of tissue paper and taking care to do gradations of color on mine. Michele, however, tried one and probably did hers in 15 minutes. Which actually makes sense--I'm assuming most kids would do theirs in a short time, right?

Anyway, this is my design. The scan is not the greatest but hopefully the piece is adequately visible:

It was a lot of fun to just play with color like this.

I also liked Michele's piece:

I liked the contrasting colors a great deal.

I hope the kids like this project as much as we did.

I feel really hopeful that I can pull off doing crafts with kids. I'm not a kid person really but I'm finding it fun to look for and think of projects that kids would enjoy, and maybe even turning them into projects that adults would like too.

A Good Saturday

2012-01-14T19:43:00.005-05:00

Today was Family Art and sARTurday down at PeaceLove Studios, where I volunteer. I recently became the Saturday activities coordinator and today was my first test run as coordinator.

We did artist trading cards in both workshops and I think a good time was had by all. ATC's are so easy to do--well, they are easy if you're not spending a lot of time on them. For example, one guy who came to the sARTurday afternoon session probably made 20 and he was just doodling and drawing single figures on each one and, I have to say, not making a lot of effort. My friend Louise, on the other hand, really took her time and thought out what she was doing and "only" made 3. Another person, Laura, only made one but hers was a really complex line drawing in pencil.

The kids had a blast. They LOVE glitter glue. Especially squeezing the bottle til it practically bursts! Big lumps of glitter glue all over the place. But it was fun watching them glue pom poms and butterfly sequins, put stickers on, and cut out paper shapes with fancy scissors and glue those on. So unafraid to do things.

I need to cultivate that abandon, that lack of fear.

I keep going back to a piece I saw not long ago on Art 21, a PBS series on art in the 21st century. I don't remember the artist they were profiling, but he said something profound that I made sure I noted down. The paraphrase is something like "I had to learn to waste paint, to not be afraid to waste paint and paper." Basically to be unafraid of making "mistakes." Truly, there are no mistakes in art. Every "mistake" becomes an opportunity to transform what you created unintentionally and go into a direction you hadn't previously considered.

I am having to learn that. I have wanted to take a different direction in my work, work more abstractly, and don't think it's been as successful as the comic collages I've been doing. At least it seems more labored. I don't seem to have the same freedom. I am afraid to make a "wrong" move. I have to learn how to do the "wrong" thing. And remember that there are no "wrong" moves in art. Art needs to be an adventure. I have to learn to become more adventurous, recapture the abandon and fearlessness that I had as a child doing art, before people told me I "couldn't do art," that I wasn't "good enough."

I guess it really goes back into learning how to play again. I guess.

This is one of the abstracts that I think may be self-consciously abstract in its execution. It doesn't look or feel right. So it's been sitting, waiting for something to happen. And I guess it'll be sitting for a while longer until I decide what, if anything, to do to it.

And another:

Just not sure about them.

We'll see what if anything happens with them. In the meantime, I need to go play.

Procrastination....

2012-01-12T14:39:00.000-05:00

I deliberately decided to stay home today (except for a quick food shopping trip) because I want to work on art work scans and get something on Etsy and Artfire. So far not so good. I am finding excuses to not work--do laundry, sort out materials for workshops, play with the cats, play on the Internet doing spurious research.

I think it's fear. Even though I'm not afraid to put myself out there as an artist with a severe mental illness, I think I'm afraid to put myself out there--in a quasi-retail setting--as an artist. Maybe it's because deep down I am still plagued by the feeling of not being any good. That sooner or later someone will tell me that I don't have any talent. That I'm masquerading.

I think it's a feeling a lot of artists have actually. I think many of us are afraid to put ourselves out there. We are ultra-sensitive to criticism, to being rejected. In a lot of ways, I have erected a wall--well, a short one--to protect me from feeling devastated by criticism from others. But I also sense that the wall is not built very strongly. That, like the proverbial houses built by two of the Three Little Pigs, the wall will collapse with the least little puff of criticism from the Big Bad Critic.

And to reinforce that wall I even have a postcard on my refrigerator, bought from the RISD Store in Providence, that basically says that there'll always be someone who loves my work and someone who hates it--GET USED TO IT.

Could be also that I have become used to accolades from those around me who love the stuff I do. At the same time, though, I secretly believe that my fans are too easily impressed.

For me, though, I know where a lot of this self-doubt comes from. When growing up, and later as an adult, my efforts at writing and art were often ridiculed by my father, even as he would say nice things about my work to others. At home, though, what I did was never good enough. That pattern continued for decades and his words still linger in my mind.

It'll take time to break through the self-doubt. Don't know if I'll ever really get rid of all of it.

But I know I have to stop this procrastination. And get with the program. In the words of the immortal Nike slogan, "JUST DO IT." Already.

Where the heck is winter?

2012-01-10T18:25:00.001-05:00

It's a sort of sunny day in northern Rhode Island and it snowed just a little overnight. It was actually a welcome sight. We've had barely any snow so far, the temperatures have been above average, and it just doesn't feel like winter.

Winter is my third favorite season, after spring and fall. I'm not fond of ice and of really cold temperatures (teens, for example), but I find that there is a cleansing of the air in winter that is really refreshing.

It's invigorating, although the residents in my apartment building, mostly elderly, don't agree. They love the warmer than average temperatures that don't chill their aged bones.

In winter I find that i'm more productive, art wise. It's almost as if the cold air has reawakened my brain and the creative impulse seems sharper.

Ideas flow quickly. I think about new ways to do things and new directions I'd like to follow. Maybe I'll actually have the courage to travel these new roads.

Maybe.

Here is one of the pieces from the older road that I've been traveling.

I'm not exactly sure what the theme or title of this piece is, but I do like it.

2012-01-08T19:18:00.004-05:00

I had planned to spend Friday evening doing art, and I had also hoped to do a good walk. I didn't fulfill my goals unfortunately, but I think I'm still working on myself to get serious about art making again. Friday night was sort of a lost evening unfortunately. Having a pet sometimes gets in the way of creating. Those little furry creatures demand attention which, of course, they deserve. But when one spends the day doing a myriad of errands and chores and looks forward to a quiet evening at the worktable, it would be nice to be able to do so.

So much for Friday evening.

I knew Saturday would be busy. I would be going down to the studio with my friend Louise by 11 to set up for the workshop she planned to do Saturday afternoon--making silhouettes. It went well, once we worked out the kinks. There was only a very small group, though. One of the regulars is in the hospital, another had other things she needed to do after a busy week helping with group workshops. Hopefully next week will be better, when we do artist trading cards.

I had found out on Thursday that Amy at the studio wanted me to take charge of the Saturday workshops. I should have asked if that included the morning kids' workshop. I realized on Friday afternoon that that might be the case. Oh dear. Kids and I are not exactly friends. When I arrived on Saturday morning, I asked Karen the Office Manager and she gave me the bad news: yup.

So not only do I have to coordinate Saturday afternoon workshops, which I know I can handle, but also find kids' art and craft projects that can be accomplished in two hours or less. Which is what I've been doing for the past couple of hours. I feel more optimistic than I had.

In the meantime, I had gotten an email from Etsy, one of its Etsy Success newsletters where trends were discussed. I realized that I was missing an opportunity to potentially sell something: Valentine cards! I've been getting into the habit of making more collage cards, which people have really liked receiving. I had spent a good part of late November-early December making a set of 12 cards for special people which really went over very well, and I've resolved to make similar cards for sale during the winter holidays. I've made a few other cards--a thank you card, cards for someone as part of a swap, et cetera.

I have made cards like this before, mostly notecards that I had printed professionally by MOO. I have not made original, unique, cards for sale though. And so that's what I did for most of this afternoon. What I actually did was glue paper scraps to cards that I had bought from the Jerry's Artarama store in Providence. Next step is to do the collage.

I'm feeling very optimistic that these will go well. I want to finish them no later than the end of this week, scan them, and upload them next weekend. That's the goal. Let's hope I fulfill this one.

Where Does the Time Go?

2012-01-06T17:57:00.002-05:00

I am little frustrated with myself because I have done little artwork over the past few days, only doing dribs and drabs. I have to admit that there really isn't a good excuse.

I'll admit that I have binged a bit on reality TV. I just discovered 'Tabatha Takes Over' on Bravo and was compelled to watch episodes when Bravo ran a mini marathon this week. Like I said, bad excuse.

I also seem to find myself involved in little projects here and there, or preparing for workshops I lead at PeaceLove. And there's chores and errands.

You know. Excuses.

I wonder how many of us find ourselves in the same predicament? Losing time basically because of the myriad of things we allow to take over?

And today is much the same. Food shopping. Bank. A trip to Dollar Tree. CVS. Back home only to do chores. A list of things to accomplish on the computer.

I really want to work on art tonight. I had promised myself to make an effort at including art in my life every day. I need to make art making a priority. I really hope I can accomplish that. It's not only important to me art-wise but I need it for my mental health.

In the meantime, here's a piece I recently finished:


I"ll Never Make You Cry

When looking through my stash of sheet music, I've been on the lookout for phrases and lyrics that might be a good theme for a collage, like this one. I need to start looking for phrases in old books too (especially romance novels). Next project?

This is not a New Year's Resolution

2012-01-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I set foot into the Pawtucket YMCA, something I hadn't done in over a year, though I had continued to pay my monthly membership fee. I guess I was hoping that the act of forking out cash every month would make me go.

Nope.

Now, though, I am determined to get back there. Yesterday's visit was only to get a replacement tag for my key ring. It was definitely convenient that I was on my way somewhere else and couldn't work out then and there. That way I did not have to make a real decision.

But that was a step.

For the past few weeks I have been making an effort to get back to being active. Almost daily I've been walking at least once from my house to downtown Pawtucket or the reverse. This is about a mile and takes about 18 minutes. It does me good, both mentally and physically. And I actually prefer to walk when it's colder so although it was 10 degrees when I started out at 8:30 this morning, it was really invigorating to be moving rather than stand at a bus stop shivering.

But I do have to make time for the Y and i've promised myself that I will do that very soon. Once I find something suitable I can wear. Loose fitting that is. (But is that an excuse?)

And I have also promised to make small changes in my diet. NOT diet. But make changes. Less sugar, more veggies. Portion control. More water. Watching my snacks. More whole grains.

It's not a resolution. It's not just because I am, quite frankly, obese and diabetic (although the diabetes is well controlled without medication). I want to do this because I want to feel better physically and mentally.

I'd also like to live a little longer than I will if I don't make changes.

I just figure that taking baby steps now, without calling it a diet and fitness program, will make it easier psychologically. And if I can control my appetite (which I haven't really been very good at doing), that will be a victory.

I really am optimistic. I managed to lose 50 pounds in 2008 (but gained it back)--I can do it again.

We'll see.

The process of making

2012-01-02T16:26:00.000-05:00

Those who read this blog in 2010 may remember that I often shared my working process, and explained how I did things. At that time I was very much focused on making pins, pendants, and magnets like this one:

My friend Carol Traxler was the happy recipient of this magnet, given to her this Christmas.

Anyway, I was down at PeaceLove Studios some time ago and I was working on a project that I call a "background."

This is what I mean

The people down there know all about my collage work and actually think it's not bad. One of the people there was watching me work and asked just what I was going to do with it. They were intrigued when I told them that it was the starting point for magnets et cetera. The above piece is really a jumbled mass of scrap paper either recycled from previous projects or torn from larger pieces. The first layer is the scrap paper, then I either add stamped images--in this case scrollwork--or use rub-ons. I've discovered, though, that rub-ons don't seem to work as well anymore. My hands object to the pressure I have to put on the rubbing stick to get the damn rub-on to transfer. Guess I'm getting old!

One important note: in my process I generally do these backgrounds on drawing paper. It's heavy enough to tolerate the glue, but light enough to be manipulated.

I also scan the backgrounds that I create for use in other projects. For example, I do make greeting cards and have used these scans for background material.

Once I have a background finished, the next step is to find something to use as the base for the magnet. I used to use Bazzill Chips which were available from places like Addicted To Rubber Stamps and through Joanns.com. However, I've found that the chips are less easy to find--Bazzill isn't making them in the shapes they used to, for example. I still have chips left over from before, and likely will keep using them as long as I can. However, I'm searching out alternatives. One possibility is to use wood shapes. The problem is finding shapes that are good quality and not too thin. I did find some at Joann's not long ago and plan to experiment with them.

Moving on, the next step is to glue the paper to the base. I usually do several at one time, in whatever shapes I have. Once that's finished, this has to be pressed down so that it can cure. And hopefully stick. I almost always, after cutting the pieces apart, have to reglue the edges.

Once the pieces are finally glued to my satisfaction, I can get on to the fun part--decoration! There's always an image of some kind--animal or person, though this year I may start using inanimate objects. I can add pieces of paper doilies, German scrap (http://www.collagestuff.com/cat16.html), rhinestones--basically anything. And, if it's a person I use for the image, there's usually a funny comment of some kind--well, I think they're funny.

Once the embellishments are on, the piece is coated with decoupage medium, usually Mod Podge. Once that dries, I decide if it's going to be a pin or a magnet and add the appropriate piece, and that's it!

It's an involved process, but I enjoy it.

This is another one that I've done:

Hope reading this long post about my process has been interesting. Sort of.

A Fresh Start

2012-01-01T12:31:00.001-05:00

When I started this blog two years ago, my intent was to chronicle my art life and the impact mental illness has on it. The plan was to post daily, a plan which went awry with a hospitalization in May 2010, another in August 2010, and then other interruptions. I finally gave up posting this past summer while I was in the midst of a depression I didn't recognize.

But it's a new year and I want to once again exercise my mind. I want to once again communicate to whomever wants to listen. It is one of the ways I fight through the fog that I often feel as my symptoms try to overtake me.

Part of me wants to look back and reflect of the events of 2011. The huge, most momentous thing was my move from an apartment haunted by the ghosts of emotional and verbal abuse, an apartment filled with stuff I didn't even need but that I had accumulated over the years as a way of hiding from the world. I hadn't realized this before. I hadn't understood that the dark paneled walls and the stacks of stuff was affecting my mental health. Though the apartment had 4 large rooms, they were much smaller really, because of all the things that were pressing down and occupying space.

Now I live in 2 1/2 rooms on the sixth floor of an apartment building for the elderly and disabled, but there are bright, light walls, large windows that overlook a wide expanse--in a city, but it's a terrific view. The rooms are open, and I can move around them. It does wonders. And I live in a community--I can choose how I interact with people and I can retreat when people get to be too much for me.

There was another hospitalization in September, when I finally realized that I needed help to alleviate my depression. And a period without health insurance that was scary. And then the loss of people from my life--deaths and waning relationships.

What may be more important than the move and the hospitalization, though, may be the new relationships I've been building this year, especially with PeaceLove Studios in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, a place where those with mental illness and the wider community can interact and make art together. (http://www.peacelovestudios.com).

And so here I am. Finally.

My main goals for this year are to get healthier--physically and mentally, finally establish the online shop I've been promising to do for two years, and to make more art. I need to make art for my own sanity, and I would like to get into a regular studio routine and experiment more. I also want to get back into the habit of posting my work for comments.

So that's where I am at on New Year's Day 2012. It's time to get back to work.

Here's a piece I did complete this year. Hope you enjoy it.

She Wondered If She'd Brushed Her Teeth

Just some ruminations

2011-06-27T19:33:00.000-04:00

Five Mondays ago I left 78 Gooding Street, the place where I'd lived for most of my life and moved into a high-rise for the elderly and disabled. I'm not sure what I was expecting to find. I hoped that it would be a better life than what I'd had, in a moldering, musty, dusty, cluttered apartment in a house that was falling apart. My brother says that by moving, I laid some ghosts to rest.

There are a lot of ghosts in my life, some I have laid to rest, some that still haunt me. I think that's true for everyone. One thing that people in my life have been saying I needed to ditch, once and for all, was my father's influence. The theory was that by moving away from Gooding Street to the high-rise I would embark upon a new life, create a new beginning, and no longer be controlled by my father.

I think that was overly optimistic. The influence is still there and governs much of what I do and think. I try to explain to people that over 30 years of control is hard to break quickly, and that it's possible I'll never be completely free. At the very least, the habits that I learned while under that control are hard to break--lying, hiding, concealment, subterfuge, patient endurance, avoidance, isolation, fear.

One of the hardest habits to break is the concealment. Although I had been hearing voices since my early 20s, it wasn't until May 2010 that I admitted it to my doctors. And my friends. Although I have been a hoarder for as long as I can remember, I didn't admit it until recently. Although in some ways I am incredibly open about my life and thoughts, I am still reluctant to admit when I am not feeling well. I still wear a mask of positivity, denying that something may be wrong. My therapist and my psychiatrist have learned that they need to probe deeper, because I am not always willing to admit that something is wrong.

Why am I dwelling on this? Mainly because I have had a tough time for the past few days. There's no particular reason why I have been having a tough time. The voices have been especially loud, although they haven't been saying anything in particular that is worth noting. It's just the way it is. It's not something I talk about here at the Manor. I'm not sure people would understand anyway. I'm certain that people wonder how I got the apartment, or at least what kind of disability I have. As someone who lives here said to me, the residents have a lot of time to wonder and talk about each other.

In the meantime, in spite of how I feel I am intending to do what needs to be done. The cooking. The cleaning. The errands. And hope that the darkness dissipates sooner rather than later.4

later,
lin

Organizing is hard

2011-06-22T16:08:00.000-04:00

I have to admit that last week's blog ost about my having no excuses for not making art didn't actually work. It's been a week and I still haven't made art. I guess I did have an excuse of sorts--I got royally sick with a bad cold that turned into bronchitis, and since my most used supplies were still in a tub I really and truly did not feel up to rummaging around looking for things I could use.

But I did move that tub into the parlor. Where it sat for several days staring at me.

Monday, I was still not feeling great but coughing less and decided to go to Target. Why, you ask? Well, two weeks ago, my brother Will and I went to Target in Warwick to buy a microwave for my apartment, plus a stand. I was also interested in possibly buying shelving units to try to organize things. We found 3-tier shelving that I wanted to put into a small alcove that I could use to get things off my kitchen table. I also bought an extra one to use for my printer and computer supplies. Anyway, I liked the shelves so much that I decided to go to Target in Lincoln and get another one.

The thing is, I went by bus. When I got there, I decided to see if I could handle a 5-tier. No luck--I couldn't even handle the thing on the shelf. So a 3-tier it was. And yes, I got it home on the bus...two buses actually, which took some navigating. After all, I'd bought a few other items such as a canister set, plastic baskets from Five Below... It took some finagling, but I coped. Not one of my best ideas though. Once home, I got the thing set up and put it next to my couch.

Tuesday evening I spent sorting the items in the tub into the baskets I'd bought. The items are more or less organized now, but there really isn't room to put the handmade paper sheets I have on this unit. Doesn't matter, though--the sheets are readily accessible. Now, at least, I can find the things I've been using the most of.

The job isn't finished. I still have boxes. I still have tubs. I am thinking about using 5 tier shelves for some of the stuff I still have in boxes, and want to transfer stuff currently in boxes to organized tubs. I do have two tubs that are really not organized and that do not have a good list of what's in them.

But now I can see more of what I want to do.

And now that I've started feeling better, I REALLY don't have an excuse not to work.

later,
lin

Where is the art?

2011-06-15T17:25:00.000-04:00

This is is the kind of weather I relish. Low 70's, low humidity, ample sunshine, light breezes. Even though I've been fighting a cold for a week, the weather is enough to make me smile.

I haven't been working on art since I moved. I really don't feel that I'm settled enough. Although I am comfortable in my new home (and finally have my last two kitchen chairs), I'm not satisfied with arrangements of things. I still have a bunch of boxes to get rid of, and most of those boxes carry some form of art supply. If I'm really honest with myself, though, I don't really need ALL those supplies to create.

I really do have what I need already, in a tub specially designated.

So what is stopping me?

Personally I think it's sheer laziness. I'm making excuses because I am feeling guilty at not being productive. I was productive in my last place because there really wasn't that much else to do. I couldn't lounge on the couch like I've been doing because I had covered the couch with art supplies. I couldn't sit in one chair because it was covered with paper. Another chair was too uncomfortable. So I spent most of my time sitting upright at the worktable (that I left behind because I felt it was too rigid and big for the new place) and after a while just sitting there was boring (and uncomfortable). So I worked.

Now I have a couch that I won't allow myself to cover with stuff. And a comfy chair that will only hold a cat or myself or friends.

I've been telling myself that all will be well once I have a new worktable. But there's always the kitchen table. And if I have everything I truly need in one tub, what's the problem? I even have a vinyl tablecloth with which I can cover the damn table to protect it.

Excuses, excuses. Getting in the way.

I've got to get to work.

later,
lin

What a long strange trip it's been!

2011-06-04T10:09:00.001-04:00

Last time I posted, I mentioned that I would be in the process of moving and wasn't sure when I would be able to post again, because my stress level was high, I was in packing mode, and was just generally exhausted all the time.

The details were the killer. The phone calls I had to make to arrange for things like cable service. Shutting off the utilities. Getting rid of DirecTV, since it's not "allowed" at my new place, although DirecTV was eager to tell me that Forand Manor could not forbid satellite service. However, it would have required HUGE hoops to climb through and quite frankly my feeble mind could not deal with it.

There was the shopping for things that would replace what I was leaving behind. Now that I think about it, I should have taken pictures of what I left behind. But no one would believe that I allowed myself to live that way. I don't believe it.

I was a hoarder, plain and simple. I have to admit it. Although I wasn't at the point where you couldn't walk around the apartment, still there was just too much stuff.

Although I have housekeeping skills, the sheer volume of stuff made it difficult to keep the house clean. And I was that depressed by the amount of stuff that I didn't really feel like cleaning.

But that was then. I have a much sparer place, smaller, so that hoarding makes a real impact and this place wouldn't allow it anyway. Thank heavens for that. But even now I am regretting some of what I left behind. There is nothing I can do about it now, which is fine. I am making a new start.

My friend Michele was concerned how I would feel about leaving the place where I lived for a good 30 years. Relieved is the word I'd use. Although I had good memories of the place, they are colored by the bad times. The years I spent under my dad's control and my inability to get out from under. The pain of drawing the curtains closer in and not letting anyone pass the threshold because I was too ashamed of the situation I was in. The yelling, the shouting, and the abuse. How I allowed myself to, again, live in such conditions. I allowed some friends to see into my world, but they didn't know the half of it.

But that was then, even though I'm still dealing with the repercussions.

And this is now. This is my new reality. I have a place I can be proud of, although there is much I still need to buy to make it a home. A microwave. Air conditioner. Shelving unit for the kitchen/parlor area. Tubs for the pile of boxes still in my room.

I have managed to get rid of some since this photo was taken. Most of it is art supplies. I need to organize those.

I need to get back to making art.

I need to start living my new life.

later,
lin

OK, so I haven't blogged

2011-05-14T19:45:00.000-04:00

Good excuse though. I AM MOVING! In two weeks. So I am running around like Macaulay Culkin in "Home Alone"--or should I say like the "Scream." This is supposed to be an art-related column after all.

So as usual my blog production will be hit or miss, and there will be a (hopefully) brief interruption of internet service. I am no longer going to be with my treasured Verizon service but will hold my nose and move over to Cox at least temporarily until Verizon gets activated in the building I'm moving into. I can only hope it won't be too long. So far one of the hardest things about this move is convincing DirecTV that I really don't want their service any longer, and that I really don't want to go through the hassle of convincing my apartment complex to allow me to have satellite service. Not when I have the potential of FIOS coming down the pike and not when I was able to get a pretty good deal with Cox for a month to month service plan. Try that with DirecTV.

Anyway, I have a bunch of things to do. Just wanted to post and give a good excuse about why I haven't posted.

later,
lin

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

2011-05-08T20:15:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe that it's been 37 years since you've been gone. And I'm sorry that I can no longer easily call your face to mind without resorting to photographs. And I can no longer hear your voice.

So much would have been different had you lived longer than nine days after my 14th birthday. I'm not sure things would have been better, based on what Willy has told me about the abuses Dad inflicted on our family. I never knew the extent of the abuse you suffered until Willy told me last year. I'm sorry I never knew, or maybe that was your intent. Children should never have to know what their parents endure.

Mom, those 14 years I had with you were challenging to be true. I want you to know that I understand that what you went through as a child and young woman in Nazi Germany forever shaped your life and our relationship. I know that there were times I was angry at you for the alcoholism and "crazy spells" you went through, but after you died, I "got" it. And wished so much you were with me.

It is so hard to believe that you would be 88 now. I wish you were here so that I could hug you and tell you I love you.

Happy Mother's Day
love
linda

Hearing Voices, Speaking in Tongues

2011-05-06T17:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I mentioned that we at Harbor House were going to be at a performance of Michael Mack's one man show, "Hearing Voices, Speaking in Tongues," about growing up with a schizophrenic mother. Michael Mack is a poet, originally from Maryland, who now lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

For me “Hearing Voices, Speaking in Tongues” was both upsetting and inspirational. It was inspirational in that I marveled at Mack’s skill at portraying the hell his mother and his family went through in dealing with her mental illness. But it was upsetting for me personally as the play brought back memories of my own mother’s struggle with mental illness and alcoholism and her early death in 1974. Certain scenes from the play were especially poignant, such as the scene where Michael goes with his father to visit “Momma” in the hospital. It brought back memories of my own visits to my mother in the hospital. Some of the scenes that took place in Mack’s home were also reminiscent of my experiences with my mother.

In addition to the memories of my own childhood that were evoked by this excellent play, I was caught off guard by the vividness of Mack’s portrayal of the schizophrenic experience. His use of taped recordings of voices echoing in one’s head was unsettling yet eerily recognizable as my own experience with schizo-affective disorder. I too hear strange voices that speak in tongues that are sometimes decipherable, sometimes just surround-sound that accompanies my day.

The play was inspirational in the Mack family’s approach to Momma’s illness. It was so much more humane than I imagine the typical approach was in the time period—not specified but probably the 1960’s—in which the play was mainly set. I loved that they were able to muddle through the situation, and Mack’s father appears to be amazing in his support of his wife.

If you have the opportunity to see this play, GO! It’s an amazing tour de force and tremendously educational and illustrative of mental illness. It’s compassionate, humorous, and a must-see. You’ve got to see it to truly appreciate its power.

later,

lin

A short rant

2011-05-05T16:46:00.001-04:00

I recently received the most current issue of Art in America, and I have to rant. Whatever happened to artists who make pictures? Who sculpt? Who do ceramics?

Reading this latest issue makes me wonder if anybody does anything other than installations with audio/visual equipment, films, or performance art. Although this particular issue doesn't seem to have anything about performance art for once.

OK, I really do accept the validity of all forms of art. I am just tired of current trends since it seems that everyone who is anybody worth profiling in an art magazine is doing it. I would like to know more about artists who are doing more, ahem, "traditional" forms. I am not interested in film. Nor am I interested in installations except in rare cases where they are not, say, a window, a couch, curtains, and an artificial tree.

I guess that means I probably am out of step with the modern art world. I would just like to read an article in a general art magazine that is about someone who paints or draws or does ceramics of any kind or sculpture. I would even love to read about fiber art.

So I guess I will rant away since it doesn't seem like I'll get my wish any time soon. But it's sad that with every issue of Art in America and ArtNews I question whether I should continue my subscription.

In other news, I had my eye checkup today and I do not appear to have any kind of eye disease, such as glaucoma or macular degeneration. I was concerned because my father had both and suffered greatly from the loss of vision he experienced. So I'm happy about that.

Tonight I will be helping out at Harbor House's sponsorship of Michael Mack's one-man show about growing up with a schizophrenic parent, "Hearing Voices, Speaking in Tongues." (http://www.michaelmacklive.com/) It should be an interesting show.

later,
lin

Thoughts on a tiring but successful day

2011-04-30T19:44:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling better than I did two days ago--the anger has subsided, thankfully. I'm feeling down though. Today marks the one-year anniversary of my last day of work before going on permanent medical leave. My job didn't actually end until August 6, a fact to which I reacted badly. After all, weren't they supposed to save my job forever even though the chances were dim that I'd ever return? I realize now that that reaction was unreasonable.

But I'm still angry about the circumstances that forced me to take medical leave. How my illness gradually robbed me of the ability to do my job effectively, something which my boss was quick to pick up on and take advantage of. But I should just try to let it go. I'd been in my last position for 10 years and in the same office for 19. I guess it was time to go. I just wish it had been on better terms.

But let's forget about that and focus on what I did get to do today.

This morning I was over at Gallery Z on Atwells Avenue in Providence (http://www.galleryzprov.com/galleryzprov/index.html), where Harbor House (http://www.harborhouse-ri.org/)was installing an exhibit in the gallery's "Public Art Window." Actually, it was more like we were watching it being installed, but we needed to be there in order to direct Ian, the installer extraordinaire, as to how best to install the exhibit. I don't have the pictures at the moment but we were all quite pleased at how it turned out. The theme of the window is "a safe harbor" for those with mental illness which plays on our name very nicely.

Thankfully I got a ride down to PeaceLove Studios (www.peacelovestudios.com) in Pawtucket from Ralph, Harbor House's Executive Director, which saved some time. At PeaceLove my task was to try to get as much ready for Sunday's May Day Arts and Crafts Festival as possible. I was able to allocate the space for vendor space, and Amy, PeaceLove's Program Director, and I were able to get some stuff put together for the activities that are taking place tomorrow.

THEN I had to head to the wireless phone store to get my phone activated. My old one died on Thursday and a new one arrived Friday. However, I couldn't activate it at home because one needs a different line to call Verizon for activation. I also had to return a loaner that the store had given me after I begged and begged. The phone is set, except losing a bunch of numbers I had programmed into my contacts and losing the photos that were on the phone that I hadn't downloaded. But if that is all I have to complain about, I am very lucky.

So I'm tired, and still have stuff to do before going to bed, like setting up my meds for the next two weeks. I hope I will sleep well and not dream about William and Kate's wedding and me being their security chief, which was my dream last night.

later,
lin

Sometimes I'm not very proud of myself

2011-04-28T18:40:00.001-04:00

Today has been a bad day.

I got up fine, but things started going downhill when I stepped in a hairball courtesy of Maggie, and then discovered that Junior had left a reminder of himself in the bathtub. I was not amused. Cleaned it all up. But somehow those two incidents provoked a litany of angry, awful thoughts and feelings, that I fought off by making sure I went over to Harbor House this morning to work. That helped. Slowly, the worst of the anger dissipated. What also helped was going to the kickoff for Mental Health Month at the State House. But I was still not feeling too great, so I didn't stay after the program for the reception and free food. Unusual for me.

Then it came back when my phone decided to die. One minute it was fine, the next--poof! So once I got home from Harbor House, I fed the cats and played with them while waiting to leave for the 3:07 bus. That helped. But I was agitated and upset, worried that it wasn't just a dead battery and that I'd have to wait around for a new phone to be delivered on Friday. So that didn't help matters very much.

On the way over to the Wireless Zone store, I noticed a passenger who got on the bus in an agitated state. She continued to be very agitated, accosting passengers and repeating the same things over and over. I knew almost immediately that she was in crisis of some kind.

But I did nothing. I didn't approach the woman, I tried not to notice the woman, and I generally shrunk into a shell, hoping nothing would happen.

I know why I did nothing. I already felt overextended and really unable to interact with anyone with an obvious problem. I am learning, slowly, that it's OK to say no to things but, at the same time that doesn't make me feel much better as I basically ignored the need of this individual in favor of my own.

I also know that the people at Harbor House, a clubhouse where the mentally ill can rebuild their lives, would tell me the same thing--that I needed to take care of myself and if I was already not feeling well, I had no business stepping in to help. I might make myself worse, for one thing.

But that still doesn't make me feel better.

I also felt badly for those who were being accosted by the woman. They clearly had no idea what to do, and were bothered by the whole incident. And I couldn't help but think, after having been at an event dedicated to eliminating the stigma of mental illness from our society, that the cause had been set back for those who encounter those who are mentally ill.

A sobering day.

For what it's worth, I am feeling a bit better mentally. But I still have a bad taste in my mouth from my inaction. I'm not sure that I will lose that feeling of guilt entirely for some time to come.

Sigh.

later,
lin

Oh how I've been slaving away

2011-04-24T13:40:00.001-04:00

Not at my own work, mind you, but doing work for PeaceLove Studios (www.peacelovestudios.com).

Y'see they're having a fundraiser coming up on May 17, "Get Your PeaceLove On," and at the beginning there were 900 invitations that needed to be decorated with art. So volunteers pulled up their sleeves and opened up their sets of markers and pencils and crayons and proceeded to make some amazingly decorated invitations. Not me. Mine were silly little flowers and squiggles. I can't draw. I admit it. And this sort of thing doesn't really pique my imagination. Some of those that were done featured landscapes, portraits, inspirational drawings.

Anyway, the 900 were completed on Friday the 15th and there was much cheering throughout the land.

Then there came a frantic email from Karen, the community relations person at PeaceLove. "Help, there are 500 more invitations coming. We need volunteers." Oh *&(^^, I thought. NO MORE. But like the good volunteer that I am I toddled down to PeaceLove on Thursday and picked up a batch to do. And I've been working on them daily since Thursday.

It's amazing how long these take to do. This time I've decided to do abstract stuff.

Amoebae are my favorite, both rounded and square

Then there are the lined drawings.

But it definitely is keeping me busy. I am kind of enjoying it, playing with color, and shapes, but I wish I could collage them. That's not possible because these have to be folded by a machine and collage or stickers would jam the machine. I'll just have to do the best I can. And I've even made the sacrifice of opening up my precious box of 120 Crayolas!

These hadbetter be the last of them.

By the way, I've signed them "Elsie" just for the hell of it. My initials are "L.C." and if you say it really fast, it sounds like "Elsie."

later,
lin

Art is in the eye of the beholder

2011-04-19T16:25:00.001-04:00

I had an amusing experience over the weekend, when I ran into someone I knew once a long time ago (high school). Somehow she recognized me--haven't I changed that much? Probably not. I was short and round then, I'm still short and even rounder now.

Anyway, said former high school classmate, named Lori, wanted to know what I've been doing with myself. I mentioned a little bit about my sad little life of not working and being happily mentally ill, and then I said that I had managed to become an artist. Really? she said. What art do you do? Naturally I mentioned collage work. And then she said, "Oh, that's not art."

I could have gone into a long spiel about the history of collage, a spiel that I had honed for a class on collage that I sort of taught at Federal Hill House. I could have said that I had been in three exhibitions with my not-art collages.

Instead I chatted for a few more minutes and then went on my now not-so-merry way. But then, I know there are those who don't think collage is art, and that's fine. Everyone's entitled to an opinion. Even when it's wrong.

I thought about this little incident last night when watching a documentary on Jean-Michel Basquiat, the art wunderkind who died of a heroin overdose in 1988. Basquiat came out of graffiti/street art and many of his works had that street appeal to them. Once he came under the wing of the New York art scene, especially Andy Warhol, Basquiat became a bona find star. His works were pictured by anyone who was anybody, especially those wanting to get in on a trend. He had a gift for cultural commentary and his sense of color was amazing.

But do I like his work?

No.

Would I call it art, even though I don't like it?

Absolutely, though I really don't understand the huge fuss that was made over him. But then again, everyone's entitled to an opinion. Even if I think it's wrong.

I don't believe there is a hard and fast rule that should define art. Everyone has a different definition. I know people who think a child's crayoned drawing is art (as do I), just as they think Picasso's work is not. There are legions of people who believe Abstract Expressionism was a hoax perpetrated upon the art world. In deciding an obscenity case decades ago, Justice Potter Stewart of the US Supreme Court said that he knew obscenity when he saw it. I suppose the same is true for art. We know it when we see it.

Which is great, after all. Just as long as you see that my work is art, of course.

later,
lin

Me and You and Rain on the Roof

2011-04-13T14:06:00.001-04:00

Another rainy day, but I don't really mind because we've been in a dry spell and need the rain. If I want the flowers that I love, I have to put up with the showers.

I feel like I am playing a broken record when I say that there isn't much going on to report. There actually is stuff going on, but not much art work. And, I'm glad to say, I'm feeling better than I did last week. The dark clouds in my head have cleared up for now and on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say I feel that I'm at a 7. That feels good.

Art-wise, what I did do Monday night was search through a tote containing my jewelry making supplies for inchies--for those who don't remember, these are pendants that I'd made from cardboard squares, collages, and charms. I knew I had a number of them that had not been made into necklaces because I had been attempting to add beads to them as a way of making them look better. You can see some of the ones I'd made a while ago without beads.

I'd given up adding the beads because, to be honest, my jewelry making skills are, um, lacking. I didn't produce anything that I thought was suitable for sale. And, again to be honest, I really didn't want to spend the time practicing.

So I stuck with leaving them plain. I might return to adding beads at another time. When I've practiced more. Maybe.

When I searched through the tote looking for the inchies, I realized that since some of the inchies had gold charms, I didn't want to use silver plated findings--jump rings, claw hooks, cord ends--on those. And I didn't have gold claw hooks, nor did I think I had gold jump rings. So I had to get more. Quickly. If I wanted to try to sell these at the upcoming Peace Love Art/Craft Festival.

Luckily Harbor House is next door to a bead store. And, luckily they had the hooks and rings! I bought as many as I thought I needed (since the hooks were expensive in my opinion, at 65 cents each), and last night finished up the inchies. I just have to price them now, and price the other artwork I'm going to have for sale. That job is for this weekend. It'll be quite a job, I think.

And that is what is going on at this moment.

later,
lin

Sunny Monday

2011-04-11T16:59:00.000-04:00

It started out cloudy but fairly mild, and now has evolved into full fledged sunshine that my cat Junior is currently enjoying, on a west-facing window. Maggie, on the other hand, is trying to get Mom to play with her (very soon, Girly Girl).

Since I last wrote, the depression has eased somewhat so now I would say it's a 3 out of 5. Still there, but not the pall that was hanging over everything. Sunshine helps a great deal, as research has shown.

I still haven't been doing a whole lot with art. For the past week, I've been focusing on finishing those darned calendars (they are complete, thank you very much) which I hope to post pages of very soon. I have also been busy with putting together goodie bags for the upcoming collage art session at PeaceLove Studios on April 23, during their "sARTurday Open House." I hope that will go well. I've also been putting hangers on some very small collage canvases that couldn't be framed because of their size. It's an amateur job but will have to do since I refuse to pay $5.00 to have the cord put on. I could learn how to do it myself and probably should.

I have also been seriously planning for the craft fair I'm chairing for PeaceLove which will be on May 1. The studio sent out an email advertising the fair and soliciting volunteers and artists and crafters to have tables. Only one crafter so far has contacted me. I hope this is not a harbinger of doom. Oh dear.

I am confident that I soon will be able to return to the canvases and other collages--but I need to find out the best and most economical way to mat those I want to do on paper. I'm not going to have enough money to always frame them, after all. I am clumsy and even with help can't draw a straight line. So making my own mats is probably not an option at the moment, though I have a mat making kit that I got via Craigslist for $20. My problem is more of finding the right adhesive to keep the components together--mat, artwork, and backing. Something that is easy to use, where clean up is minimal, and STICKS. Glue dots are not a good option, I've found. At least maybe I'm not using them right.

Other than that, nothing much is happening, which is a good thing. I find that I have been overwhelmed quite a bit and need to step back and recharge. A nap today was a good start. Until Maggie, who was sleeping with me, decided that she didn't want Mom to get up and stuck her claws in HARD. Ouch.

later,
lin

A short update

2011-04-06T17:38:00.001-04:00

I am finding that I am actually dealing with a mild depression--I guess I would rate it a 5 on a scale of 1-10. There's just too much going on in my life and I'm not dealing with it gracefully. In any case, I feel like I'm in a commercial for Pristiq, the anti-depressant, in which the voice-over talks about "having to wind myself up" to get through the day. I do feel that way. I have been having a difficult time wanting to get out of bed in the morning, in spite of the advent of spring. Junior, my buddy, does his best to get me out of bed but even his persistent purrs and chirrups sometimes don't work.

That said, I find that I have moments of true happiness breaking through. Last night I had one of those, even though I wasn't accomplishing very much, when a friend called with some good news. But the down feeling returned.

Everything around me shouts that I should be able to get through everything without resorting to depression. I should be able to tolerate the changes happening around me without getting upset about it. And, moreover, I should be able to use art to get through this. Art, however, isn't speaking to me at the moment. Except in the form of calendars. When I feel like getting to them. Which, again, is the problem. I don't feel like doing much and find myself staring at the TV set or whatever else catches my attention instead of doing anything worthwhile.

Stacie the therapist suggests that I might be simply emotionally and physically exhausted from everything going on. That maybe I'm overdoing it. Probably that's part of it. She does think I'm depressed and wants to keep an eye on me, which is fine.

Anyway, I'm resolved to keep on going, winding myself up each day, until I can find a happy medium (which I haven't known since this journey began). I really don't have much choice. The cats will make sure of that.

later,
lin

Sunday, Sunday

2011-04-03T14:41:00.002-04:00

It's a sunny day in Rhode Island, but rather windy, so any warmth we would have gotten from the strong sun has dissipated. But it's only early April and I suppose that it's a little early to expect a little spring weather. Except for the fact that we had some early spring weather in March until winter returned, but who's counting?

I have been working on the calendars I mentioned in my last post but got a little sidetracked by some personal strum und drang. I am coming up on the anniversary of when I essentially ended my job (April 30). Although I had gone out on medical leave, I think we all knew I wasn't going back. Anyway, in spite of my best efforts, I'm having a bit of a hard time dealing with this anniversary.

Another friend is upset because my health insurance company is protesting the payment of medical bills incurred from my fall in February, which caused the concussion I'm still dealing with. Basically, the insurance company wants my friend's home insurance company to pay the bills. Since there is no reason to assume that either my friend or her house was at fault, I doubt that this move is going to pay off. In the meantime, there are bad feelings abounding, since my friend fears I might sue her for personal injury damages or some other thing. One would think that fifteen years of friendship might dispel that fear but....

And then there's the new wrinkle. This part is potentially good. One of the elderly/disabled apartment units I've applied to had me come in on Friday for a recertification of eligibility. It now appears that they had me come in because I have magically moved much closer to the top of the list, thanks to my ex mother in law who happens to live in the complex. They are now sending out additional paperwork to people like my bank, immigration, bureau of criminal investigation, and my landlord for certification that I'm fit to move in. Maybe I'll find out in a month or two. Or sooner?

Which would be nice as when I informed my landlady that I was intending to move out and that she'd receive a form from the manor, she informed me that her application to purchase the house (she'd been acting as landlady since her father, my actual landlord, was moved into a nursing home because of dementia) had been denied and that the house would be going into foreclosure. No time frame on when that would happen. Elizabeth seemed to think that I had at least six months before I'd have to definitely think about leaving. If I had to I could move now into another place, I have the money to do so. I just want to move once and be done with it.

Yesterday I went down to PeaceLove Studios in Pawtucket to play with some stuff and to be with people I've come to regard as friends. Afterward, Michele and her husband (who were also at PeaceLove, painting) wanted to go to a bead show and then to Michael's, so that's what we did. I didn't find anything really that I could use for my work although there were some nice hearts I was looking at seriously until I realized they were sterling silver and more expensive than I wanted to spend for something I was just going to glue down. Michael's was better, as I found paper that I could use for calendars that was different from what was at Joann's, and found some other supplies that were useful, like glue which I am addicted to. It's got to be the fumes lol.

I spent the morning doing housework. For the rest of the day, I'm hoping to work on different projects. I have almost finished two calendars--I just have to add lists of anniversaries to the inside front pages. I think my focus for the next few days will be those calendars. I need also to pull together some goody bags for the collage activity that I'm hosting at PeaceLove on April 23, and start thinking about the craft fair I'm doing there on May 1. So I'll be busy.

No, not much art talk this time but maybe later,

lin

Can anyone tell me what day it is?

2011-03-28T15:19:00.000-04:00

Actually I do know that it's Monday, March 28th.

I asked the question because I have been working on making calendars for sale.

I had given one of the calendars I made last year to Stacie the therapist, and both her patients and colleagues have been asking how they could get one for next year. Since people are actually asking about getting one, Stacie has convinced me I should make some for sale. Hopefully she's right and they will sell.

I've uploaded a scan of the prototypes. I just realized, in looking at one, that the month is crooked. Darn! That's something I'll have to check on each page, and redo the pages. Darn, darn, darn.

That's what I hate. Little things that one doesn't notice at the time. I, at least, have seen it before adding more things to it and binding the pages together.

Another big thing in my life at the moment is my being the co-chair of the PeaceLove May Day Art and Crafts Fair on May 1. Don't ask how I got myself talked into that one. Aarrgghh!

later,
lin

OK so I haven't blogged in almost a week

2011-03-24T19:13:00.000-04:00

But stuff has been happening, and I've been busy and life interferes, y'know?

For example, on Saturday, I picked up 6 collages I'd had framed by Joann's. They do a nice job for me, primarily because Lois, the framing specialist, likes my work and loves to see the finished pieces. They're pieces I've uploaded here before, and I'm trying to decide how high to price them. Michele was helping me figure out a formula but the price we worked out scares me. See, I'm used to not being able to sell my work for any price, let alone a decent price that truly takes into consideration the time and effort involved, as well as materials. So when we came up with a price of over $200 for one collage (retail), I was floored. I intend to have the work displayed at the craft fair I'm doing May 1, so we'll see what I come up with.

I spent last Sunday with my buddy Michele, whom I've mentioned before. We met for our occasional "crafty day" where each of us (along with sometime participant Jenn) has a project or two to work on amidst chatter about one thing or another. If you've heard of "Stitch'n Bitch" meetings for needleworkers of any kind, then you know what I mean.

Sunday's project for me was starting to make calendars. I've mentioned calendars in the past, and had given handmade calendars to my therapist and to Michele. After much urging, I've decided that it's time that I make calendars for sale and so I decided to start working on the first set. I'm hoping to make 10 original sets and possibly make color copies of the pages so that I can make others. We'll see how that works out. I have a fair in just over a month--I ought to be able to make another calendar for that fair...maybe. Given my track record. Michele was working on a collage of her own, having become inspired by the collaged cards and bookmarks she'd made at a collage class I'd given last week at Federal Hill House in Providence. (http://www.federalhillhouse.org/) I was very happy to see her come over to the "dark side" of collage, away from her usually fabulous jewelry work.

And we talked. And talked. And ate. And talked and ate. I always enjoy my days with Michele. She's become a little sister to me and we are fast friends.

Monday was laundry and my art journaling class.

Tuesday was two doctor's appointments--Stacie the therapist and my psychiatrist, Dr. Trayner. Those went well as usual.

Wednesday was a huge day: an outing with my brother Will, our first meeting since re-establishing contact last August. It was a difficult day in some ways, full of emotion on my part. There was a sense of the bittersweet, that it had taken us so long to regain rapport. And sadness too, as we talked about another brother who remains lost to us, mired in a fog of drugs and alcohol. But it was a fabulous day and one I'm looking forward to repeating soon.

And today, Thursday, was spent in Hopedale, Massachusetts at Crossroads,(http://www.crossroadsclubhouse.org/) a clubhouse for the mentally ill, much like Harbor House in Providence (http://www.harborhouse-ri.org/), of which I am a proud (and founding) member. Crossroads has been around for 22 years so is much more advanced than we are at Harbor House. But we can get there with a lot of hard work and dedication.

So, the week has been busy. And the busyness will continue for a while, as a lot of things are happening that need to be dealt with. I just hope I can find time--and energy--for making art.

later,
lin

Happy Birthday Melissa and a few other things

2011-03-18T17:35:00.000-04:00

First, I wanted to give a shout out to a lovely woman whom I happen to know, my daughter Melissa, who has a birthday today. Happy birthday, sweetie, and may you have many more.

That said, it is a glorious day in Rhode Island, although a wee bit too windy. It hit at least 73 degrees today, the sun finally came out to stay, and it's just a lovely harbinger of spring, which will arrive on Sunday evening.

It's a wonder how one's mood changes with the weather. Wednesday was a rainy and not-so-nice day and my mood, while not in the pits, was not the greatest. Yesterday and today, however, my mood is nice and light and I am happy. Except for the guy from a security service who keeps calling to offer a security service that I don't need.

I haven't finished anything since Saturday although I keep fooling around with two pieces I'm not sure about.

The first is almost finished, I'm sure. I just can't decide whether or not to add anything to it.

Another is definitely not close to being finished in my opinion.

But I am having trouble figuring out what to do with it.

Some people have asked me why I don't work in other colors. Quite frankly, I go through color binges. One of my most persistent color schemes is red and pink. I have worked in blue shades and in green shades, but just don't find them as inspiring as red and brown shades. But I welcome your opinions!

later,
lin

I did a collage!!!!!!

2011-03-15T17:37:00.001-04:00

Wonder of wonders, I actually did a piece on Saturday evening.

I have been thinking about and and have experimented with more abstract pieces. I'm trying to work on a piece now, but it's not coming along very well. Perhaps I'm overthinking it. Very possible, because I feel so self-conscious about turning out "great work," now that I've received some recognition for the work I have done in the past. In fact, today someone visiting Harbor House today, who saw a piece I have on display there, was surprised to learn that I have no formal training. Nope, not me. But I feel like I have to be on target every time I create a piece. Which I do know is NOT TRUE. I am allowed to be "off."

Alas, my art journaling class was cancelled last night. I felt curiously lost without it. At least it'll be on for next Monday--I hope! I'll continue to do the homework from the last session. I'm on the road a bit tomorrow so my intent is to journal during the down times, when I'm waiting in Dunkin' Donuts or whatever. That's me--always trying to stay busy.

That's about it. Still dizzy but I see my PCP tomorrow--thank God--and will complain to him then. Tomorrow is also therapy day, when I see my beloved Stacie the therapist.

later.
lin

Just a short note

2011-03-11T20:19:00.000-05:00

I haven't really felt well all week, and I am eagerly awaiting an appointment with my regular doctor next week to find out why I am dizzy and foggy all the time. But what I really wanted to say is that I got feted at the VSA Arts Exhibition reception yesterday at the State Administration building. For once in my life (sounds like a song), I allowed myself to be made a fuss of because I had three pieces on exhibit. Three lovely collages, ones I actually like (even though I have lately felt like being in a hate fest with my work), which people complimented me on. My response to that--buy them! Give me money! LOL

Seriously, I'm proud to have been included in the show, which is for disabled artists. Here's a picture of me next to the three pieces.

And here's a picture of me with one of my very good friends, Adam Alt.

I haven't felt particularly creative this week, mainly because I just haven't felt that great, but I have been doing the drawings for my journaling class so I guess that's something.

later,
lin

One of these Days

2011-03-08T19:25:00.001-05:00

I have to post some of the non-drawings I've been making as part of the art journaling classes I've been taking at PeaceLove. People who have seen them have been favorably admiring--apparently they do "speak" volumes. I don't know. I am not even sure I'd dignify them as childlike because I don't want to insult children.

OK, maybe I am too hard on myself. I actually am having fun with this, having given myself permission to color and draw and make marks on paper.

One thing I am trying NOT to do is to compel myself to do the drawings. I think that's what has killed the creative urge when it comes to collage. I forced myself to sit at the worktable even when there was not an iota of creativity at that moment and everything I did seemed forced and false. I do realize that Edison reputedly said that "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration." I also realize that Twyla Tharp, author of The Creative Habit, which I've been reading, says that \creativity is not a gift from the gods, but rather the product of preparation and effort. I know this.

One thing that she says, too, is that failure is not necessarily a bad thing. Everyone fails. Everyone has a pile of crumpled up efforts lurking behind them--if they don't it means they haven't tried. Even I know that I have done pieces that don't work, and I'm learning to be able to judge that for myself. If it doesn't please me, it's a failure. But I am the richer for having tried to produce something.

I guess what I'm trying to say incoherently is that while I'm trying to keep myself from feeling like I HAVE to create something when the urge/inspiration just isn't there, I am, at the same time, trying to keep working AND enjoying it. I don't want art to become a job. I want it to speak to me and speak for me, and have something to say. If it becomes rote and stale, then it's not working for me, it is a failure.

Which is why I agreed to take the art journaling class when it was offered to me as an option, and why I am playing around with painting. I now call the painting, "doodling with paint." I don't expect it to amount to much and, having removed the pressure of it amounting to much, I am having fun with it.

The trouble with the collages was that I was too into, "will it sell" rather than "does it work for me." And that is a bad habit to get into.

In the meantime, I offer for your viewing pleasure (or not), one of my latest doodles. Feel free to blow a raspberry at it. I had fun doing it. If nothing else, I can turn it into artist trading cards. (for a definition, please see http://www.cedarseed.com/air/atc.html) And you know what? I am perfectly content with that.

later,
lin

What I thought was creativity still eludes me

2011-03-06T17:38:00.001-05:00

but I feel less haunted by the fact. I've been reading (slowly) a good book by Twyla Tharp called the The Creative Habit, which is helping me think about about what I'm trying to accomplish. And of course about how she does things. Reading the book has actually been a good exercise, as I have been having trouble with reading and comprehending information because of my condition, and the book is written clearly and succinctly.

I have temporarily placed a moratorium on collage as I usually do it, focusing my attention instead on doing other things, such as painting for the fun of it. Last night I painted solid color backgrounds for use either in painting or in collage, and spent a little bit of time re-reading Collage Techniques: A Guide for Artists and Illustrators by Gerald Brommer. The book is a little old, from the 1990s (seems odd to think of something from the 90's as old), but I find the lessons learnt to be timeless.

What I'm basically trying to gather is courage to do something different.

I am stuck in a rut and am losing the enjoyment I had in my work. Could be that the ADHD in me is simply getting bored with doing the same thing, which simply means that I need to do something different for a little while to rev up the engine for doing what I actually know I like to do, which is my silly ladies.

But I am hungry for something different which is why I decided to try painting, and why I'm reading Brommer's book. I have other books that I've ordered that I'll look through for valuable pearls of wisdom and ideas. Nothing like building a library, right? Now I just need to read the books.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I have done the background paintings. I've also done a painting just for fun. It's meant to be an abstract, but I just had fun laying down paint. I'm trying very hard to not put meaning into anything, expect anything--just paint. I won't quit my day job, but it's a refreshing change.

Let's see how much more paint I can waste, eh? LOL

later,
lin

I am an artist who cannot draw well

2011-03-01T18:39:00.000-05:00

It's true. I really cannot draw well. I do stick people rather nicely and can draw little flowers that aren't specifically anything. And I can draw blobs. That's it. Which is one reason I do collage work. The work that I do takes skill but not drawing or painting proficiency. When I was invited to take an art journaling class, I wasn't sure that I was qualified but soon realized that the others draw about as well as I do. Which is comforting. After all, the class is meant to show us how to use art to express our feelings, and if a blob is what you can handle then that's fine.

The reason I've mentioned this is that the subjects of play, spontaneity, and creativity have come up again for me. Last night's class dealt with stress. We were to draw something that represented an area of our lives that we wanted to heal and my subject was my mind. Which called for a gray and black blob with lots of red to denote anger and distress. But what struck me was that it was such a visceral drawing. I had no expectations of being good or bad, I just needed to draw and color in this image that signified how I feel about my brain, my mind.

It got me to thinking, once again, about why it is that I have so much trouble being spontaneous. Stacie, my therapist, and I talked about it today in our session but we didn't really come up with answers--just an assignment for me for the next week. I am to practice art for the fun of it, not for--I wish I could remember how she put it because it was said so well--the sake of it being "useful." As in for sale or for giving away. But art for the sake of expressing myself.

Maybe I'm afraid of being self-indulgent. Maybe I'm afraid of what will be revealed. I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is that things are not working as they are at the moment, and I need to figure this out otherwise my psyche will suffer.

In the meantime, here's one of the usual projects that I've done. It's not quite finished, but I want to take it to Joann's next week for a professional picture hanger to be put on (I just can't do it myself) and I need to let it rest before I decide what else I should do with it.

As much as I like to do these types of collages, they've become almost routine. I can do them in my sleep almost. Somehow I need to do something that takes more risks. I wonder if I have the courage to do so.

later,
lin

A rainy Monday in Pawtucket

2011-02-28T14:51:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking again about PLAY. And I've been wondering why it has been difficult for me to relax when doing art and just play around with things without wondering whether someone will like it or whether someday it'll be saleable.

I know that a few posts ago I wrote that I had discovered the fun of playing. Well, that fun seems to have gotten away from me. Saturday I, along with friends Adam and Michele, went to Peace/Love Studios "SARTurday" open session, where basically anyone can walk off the street and play with paint, glitter, glue, and other art supplies for 2 hours. I expected to be able to create more than I was able to, but I have a feeling that I set myself up for failure right at the start.

It took me til today to realize this. I went to the session expecting to simply have fun and fool around. While there, though, I felt compelled to make something "meaningful." Something "good." Something I could be proud of. Proud of, in the sense that it would be "great art." And so I attempted to work on a painting, attempted to work on making a tree branch into something, and generally failed at both. I kept painting over the painting because it just wasn't doing what I wanted it to. And the tree branch was a disaster in every sense of the word.

I noticed the same thing about a collage I made as part of a class I took at Peace/Love called "Piecing Your Self Together." I somehow had the feeling that the class was about making the collage, not getting to the heart of one's self, and so I was royally disappointed with the collage even though it was the process of figuring out myself that was the aim of the class.

So, somehow I need to relearn--again--how to have fun making art.

Somehow it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Drat!

later,
lin

Why is it so hard?

2011-02-24T11:43:00.001-05:00

It's hard to get into the groove and make something, let alone write a post for this blog. A friend chastised me gently about a week ago and said that I should write a post even when I don't think I have anything profound to say. That writing isn't about being profound but about exploration of an idea. Trouble is, though, I haven't had any ideas. Gone are the days when I wrote a post a day and always seemed to find ideas.

As far as creative work is concerned, last week I was able to do four canvases--now that I write that statement, I'm surprised. I actually did accomplish something. And by "doing four canvases" I actually mean that I laid down backgrounds on canvases for future collages. I was able to do more work on the collages, although they're not finished exactly. I need to have them framed first, then add the final touches once I'm sure of the margins. Here's one that I did that I like

I won't be adding much else to this, only 3-D embellishments. I just need to be sure of where the frame will come in before I add anything else.

Another one that I did that is much less complete is the following

The upper left side needs something else but again I want to wait until it's framed before doing anything else to it.

My goal at this point is to try to do a canvas every other day so that I have a body of work that is completed.

Last night I was also able to lay down a purple background on watercolor paper. I intend to use that to make postcards for mail art. I already have a red background for the same purpose.

Maybe, just maybe, I can get my mojo back.

later,
lin

By the way....

2011-02-14T15:52:00.000-05:00

One of the ways in which I have decided to have fun is by doing mail art. If interested in the pieces I've been receiving from people, please visit my other blog, Yet Another Blog About Mail Art http://mailartistic.blogspot.com/

later (achoo)
Lin

Ooooh I hate colds

2011-02-14T15:49:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure which is worse, the actual cold or the lead-up to one. I woke up this morning feeling unwell. Soon that unwellness developed into a slight wheeze and a funny feeling in my throat. And, on my way home, I had a hard time staying awake and upon reaching home, immediately plopped on to my bed for a short nap. Well, the nap isn't new--unfortunately I have been having trouble staying out of bed. But it, combined with the other symptoms, has convinced me that I am probably headed for a cold. So, out comes the cold medicine. Maybe I can head it off at the pass before it develops into something real.

I panic at colds because in April 2009 I nearly died from a severe asthma attack brought on by a bad cold. Later that year a bad cold devolved into swine flu. So I admit--I panic. Thankfully that asthma attack brought me to a good pulmonary doctor who put me on good medication (meaning expensive) that I'm trying to figure out how to pay for once I lose insurance temporarily in May.

But I digress from what I had intended to write about--what DID I intend to write about? Sorry, my mind isn't working properly--blame the almost cold.

I have not done much playing with art since my last post. I've been busy finishing up more of my little sassy people from backgrounds and card fronts I'd previously prepared. They've been laying around and I quite frankly wanted to get them finished. Here's one:

and another:

I actually do like these pieces, because I had developed several new lists of possible remarks that my characters could be emoting that some who have seen them really like. It's just that they seem too easy and seem as if I'm coasting.

This is why I headed down to Peace/Love on Thursday, unsure of what I'd encounter and what I'd do. Since then I've meant to do more painting but other things have gotten in the way, but I'm not going to forget about it. No matter how bad my paintings may end up being, I'm going to have fun with them. So there!

later (sneezing),
lin

Let's Play

2011-02-11T19:42:00.001-05:00

I've been troubled by my approach to art. I don't seem to know how to play anymore. Things have become clinical, rote, formulaic. As much as I love my sassy people, I'm beginning to feel like a one-trick-pony. Something like this

is likely getting boring for those who have seen too many similar things from me before. What I really want to do is more abstract work. When I try, however, it doesn't get the response that these little ladies do. What to do, what to do?

I want to paint actually.

Yesterday I went, for the first time, to a local art center called Peace/Love Studios (http://www.peacelovestudios.org), a place where anybody can go to paint and play with other art supplies. It is actually a place that encourages the mentally ill to come and work out their demons using art. I had been wanting to visit the place for quite some time--after all, it's right in downtown Pawtucket, Rhode Island, just minutes from my house. I'd hesitated, though. I thought that perhaps one had to be a "real" artist to be part of the place. I thought I'd be laughed at. Nope, that didn't happen.

Peace/Love is a place where artists at all levels come and play. There are rank beginners and there are near professionals. It's a peaceful place, but with an energy about it that is highly attractive. And I was able to play, after a while. I had the mindset that I had to create something "significant." Finally I gave up the idea and just mixed colors and played with a canvas board that had ridges and other texture, and made something that I actually liked. And no one laughed.

I've gotten so caught up in the idea of being an "artist" that I've forgotten the singular most important part of doing art--FUN. It's going to take a while, but I think I can get used to the idea of playing at art again.

later
lin

It's been a while since I posted

2011-02-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

I've been having issues. I was cycling through depression fairly rapidly, with stretches of depression lasting 3-4 days at a time, then having one or two good days, then back to depression. It was wearying.

In the evening of January 24, I had a worse time and sunk down to suicidal levels that I was able to rise from. Thankfully, I took this as a warning of dire things to come and, since I had appointments the next day, was able to talk to both my therapist and my psychiatrist about what had happened and request help.

That help came in the form of Partial Hospital at Rhode Island Hospital, starting that Friday since I was reasonably sure that I didn't need inpatient as long as I knew help was on the way. I would have started sooner but for a bad snowstorm that closed the program to new patients.

I won't write here about the program except to say that Rhode Island Hospital's program focuses on didactic lectures on existential psychology and an intense group therapy experience, as well as meetings with a therapist. This was my fifth time and I knew it would be useful to me. Thankfully I "graduated" from the program on February 4, and am now moving on.

My brother, who was a rock of support for me during this experience, asked me what I had learned from this experience. This was my response:

"Let's see, what have I learned from the "class".....
I learned to be more sure of myself and my illness, to know when to cry uncle and when to hold steady. That is the major takeaway (how I hate that word though) from the experience.

I learned to depend on myself and not on others to check on how I was doing. The ones I expected to check on me didn't, the ones I didn't expect, did. And that says a lot about my expectations of people.

I learned that I need to open myself to other experiences. I spent so many years on my own (though I lived with dad) that I thought I didn't need anybody "I am a rock/I am an island", that I was secure enough within myself that I was fine on my own. I am not. I need to do things on my terms and not because I want people to like me also.

Now that I have learned some things, can I put them into practice? That is the real test.

I have always hesitated to join support groups and the like. Primarily because I wasn't "like them." Now I am realizing that while my problems are, of course, unique, I share characteristics with others that might help me navigate the course of life. And I might have something to offer.. I never wanted to be pegged as the "mentally ill artist" or "Lin the mentally ill person" until last year when I felt it was important to show a different image from the stereotype, that the mentally ill are not all people who go nuts on a rampage, but that we are real people who have an illness.

So that's where I'm at.

I began this blog on January 1, 2010 with an eye towards writing about art and writing about its intersection with my mental illness, and committing to writing every day. With my adventures over the past year, it became harder to post daily, and there was a lack of interest as well. Things seemed too overwhelming and my life seemed too trivial to write about.

I'm going to try to commit to writing more frequently. Hopefully the few who read this blog regularly won't get bored.

later,

lin

A piece I finished

2011-01-22T16:39:00.002-05:00

I've only finished one piece during the past week. I did this as a sample for a class I will be co-teaching on collage in March. I liked how it came out

lin

A toy saga

2011-01-20T16:49:00.000-05:00

I have had a hard week in the sense that I went through one of my cycles of 4-5 bad days. Since Saturday, actually. Sunday I had a hard time getting out of bed, and Monday I managed to drag myself to Joann's to try to make myself feel better by shopping.
What I really wanted was feathers.

Actually what I really wanted was a certain feather toy sold by Petco. Maggie the cat has been steadily destroying the one that I bought her in the fall, and we're at a crisis point here. The toy has become bereft of all feathers except 2 and Maggie is upset. I could tell her that the darn thing has gone to the toy box in the sky and get over it, except that she looks at me so plaintively and cries that soft meow that makes me want to cry (but also strangle her too, sometimes, especially if she does it when I'm trying to work).

So then, I dragged myself to Joann's and looked in the feather/leather aisle for something that would work. Finally figured out that the only thing that might be sturdy enough was cutting pieces off a boa and tying the piece in such a way that she would have to work harder at tearing out the feathers. I bought a bright blue boa (along with other stuff) and dragged myself back home.

I managed to make the toy under Maggie's watchful eyes, and she immediately grabbed it and started tearing it apart. It is now lying on the floor, half-full of feathers. Maggie has lost interest and wants the other toy instead. Of course she does.

So, Sunday, when I see my friend Janet to help with her Avon order, we are going to a different Petco in hopes of finding the damned blue feather teaser toy. Otherwise, I might as well move out as Maggie certainly is not going to be happy if I don't come back with one.

Or, I can try making another toy and see if she will forget about the one that's dying.

Or pigs might fly.

later,
lin

Visiting the Museum

2011-01-13T09:47:00.000-05:00

Nothing much happening in my world these days, although I did go to the RISD Museum of Art on Sunday to view its "Subject to Change: Art and Design in the Twentieth Century" exhibition. It was an interesting exhibition and I got to see my first Rothko in person, as well as other leading lights of abstract expressionism, a period that I particularly enjoy. The exhibition had a wide range, which did dilute its impact a bit. There was a little bit too much variety--I think that restricting the exhibition to specific aspects would have been more coherent. Then again, maybe it was intended that way. In my not so humble opinion, though, there was just TOO MUCH to really appreciate the entire message.

However, I can't forget seeing some of the works, a Pollock, a Johns, Matisse, Picasso. I never knew that our local museum had works by these famed artists. And I'm ashamed to say that it had been several years since I visited the museum. If I believed in resolutions, I'd make one now to go much more often so that I can truly enjoy the offerings of this great little place. I also want to go back to Boston's Museum of Art which, again, I have not done in several years.

What I am hoping to gain from these experiences is inspiration. That's something I really need, even if the type of art shown is not the art that I do. After all, why be mired in the same old stuff all the time? One needs infusions of inspiration from every source--good and bad. Otherwise one goes stale. And that's something I don't want to do.

later,
lin

Making Grand Statements

2011-01-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not good at making a Grand Statement via my work.

I look at those who habitually work in political or socially conscious areas and shake my head in wonderment. About half the time the work is effective--at least as far as I'm concerned. Other times it's just more noise. I admire those who are called to do this, I just happen to think that most of the time it's self-consciously self-congratulatory.

I have been thinking about this because I recently got involved in mail art and have noticed that some of the mail I've received make Grand Statements. Other pieces seem to work hard at being avant-garde, at least in my opinion. I've since realized that these are part of a latter-day Fluxus movement, the original of which flourished during the 1960s and 1970s, where pretty much anything goes. It is anti-art establishment, and believes in blending different artistic media and disciplines. It also believes in using the materials one has at hand, whether it be paint and canvas or a selection of pictures from a magazine or one's junk mail.

I SHOULD like this idea. It seems to fit into the type of work I do. However, I don't quite understand the, um, undisciplined nature of it. Which is its point. It sees art as overly disciplined and constrained by tradition and seeks to free art from its chains. Which leads to one of its key points--everyone can create art. One doesn't have to be part of the academy to create art. Which, again, fits in with me because I am so not part of the academy.

This is something I need to work out. I've decided to read a book about Fluxus, to at least figure out where I might fit into it, if at all. We'll see. But I'm still not sure about making Grand Statements in my work.

later,
lin

Nothing much is happening

2011-01-07T16:36:00.000-05:00

which is why I haven't posted. I have taken a couple of days off from working, primarily because I just didn't feel up to doing very much. I am having trouble staying awake much of the time, and my therapist thinks that I may be having to fight depression more than usual, since I seem to want to go back to bed all of the time and it's a real struggle for me to get up in the morning.

It can be difficult to be a high-functioning person with mental illness. The stereotype is of someone who is either so depressed that they are lying around like a log all the time, or that they're too scattered to keep their lives together. It's obvious that these people have problems and need help. I can think of several people I've encountered recently who fall into this category.

Then you have someone like me who from all appearances has it all together. I pay my rent and utilities without a problem, can feed myself, dress myself, and stick to a task for longer than 5 seconds. I am articulate, can more or less keep my thoughts flowing coherently, and can get from point A to point B in most instances. It's not obvious that I have a problem and sometimes people may think, when they learn that I am disabled, that it's impossible or that I'm shirking. Sometimes I worry that my psychiatrist thinks that. I know my therapist doesn't believe that because she sees me weekly and has seen me when I haven't functioned well. But I don't fit the stereotype.

What most people don't realize is that if I'm around people I feed off their energy and can function much better mentally than if I am alone. Which I am most of the time. I can, for a period of time, build myself up to be coherent, be articulate, and do tasks. I can't always do that.

I suppose I'm thinking about this because my insurance company is already requesting a functional status review from my doctor and therapist to see if I am still disabled. I'm not sure how much change or improvement they're expecting in five months. This thing only erupted in earnest in the spring and I'm still reeling from a lot of the aftereffects. I still am not at all confident in my ability to do more than simple tasks, although the people at Harbor House seem impressed with what I can do. They are probably impressed because other members do not have the job experience that I have and have not done the amount of administrative work that I've done, and so have to be taught every detail on how to do a form letter, how to do an envelope, etc.

And Social Security is already sending me information on going back to work. I just got on Social Security Disability Insurance and I'm already feeling pushed to go back to work before I'm ready. Maybe I'm functioning too well. Maybe I need to really lose it and stop having pride in my appearance, stop using words larger than two syllables, and start conversing openly with the voices inside my head. That will convince people that I'm really not as functional as they think I am. Might also get me a trip back to Butler, which would not do at all since I'm not convinced they can really do me much good at this point in my psychiatric "career."

Ah well. I suppose I shouldn't complain. All the same, I wish people would recognize that not all crazy people act insane all the time. And that we all need patience, some TLC, and a helping hand.

later,
lin

How I spent New Year's Day

2011-01-02T16:52:00.000-05:00

Making ATCs! These actually started with backgrounds I wasn't happy with, so I cut them down into atc sized pieces and proceeded to make a bunch of them. Yes, they're variations on the same theme of people saying funny things but I guess that's my thing

later,
lin

Making Resolutions

2011-01-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

I prefer not to make resolutions because resolutions never seem to get resolved. I like to term them more as goals for the coming year, things I need to get done, things I need to think about. That said, my goals for 2011 are:

1. to get out and about more. I am a loner, for many reasons, and I am realizing that this is not a healthy way to live my life. I need to be more involved in the community, more involved in life, instead of hiding in my apartment resenting that I don't have many people in my life. I'm not cut out to be a recluse or a hermit. I need people. People feed my soul, even the ones who are nasty. I can learn a lot from people.

2. to be more serious about my art BUSINESS and to truly establish an online presence. I've dabbled at trying to get this accomplished over the past couple of years with very little success. I'd rather make art than run a shop, although I don't mind selling at shows--that relates to my needing people. Last year was the year I really wanted to get the shops established definitely, but other things got in the way, so hopefully this year is my year

3. Live a healthier life. Not just so much lose weight but change my diet to a healthier one, get out more, exercise my soul as well as my body.

4. Don't be afraid to experiment and "screw up." I should be more willing to try things, do things differently from what I've done. This can only help my art, not hurt it. Going along with that, I should be more willing to just PLAY.

5. Going along with that, strengthening my skills would be a good thing to do. I'm not sure which skills I need to strengthen to be truthful, but I'll keep an eye out and take classes when I can afford it in the areas I want to work on.

6. Set a path for myself and follow it as best as I can. This is probably a lifelong goal--I would like to know what I am meant to do and be. In many ways, I feel aimless, like I'm drifting. Along this line, I would also say that I should stick with something and follow it, instead of losing interest quickly. So I'd like more staying power in the things that I try.

I'm not sure if these goals are helpful to anyone else. But I'm hoping they'll work for me. I think, though, the most important goal for me is to MAKE MORE ART. That's a goal I think any artist would agree with.

later,
lin

A productive day

2010-12-27T09:48:00.000-05:00

Blizzards must be good for productivity. I was very actively making art yesterday, and came up with ATCs, backgrounds, and postcard sized collages. Here are some of the ATCs I made

I made these as part of my mail art enthusiasm. Since some people are apparently going to send me mail, I need to start sending mail. And I figured that sending atcs plus decorating envelopes will be the best thing for me to do. Besides, I always loved making ATCs, I just didn't feel like collecting them very much. Maybe I will get back into swapping and collecting ATCs again. But now I'm just going to make them.

Although the snow has stopped, it's very windy and cold outside. I don't know where, if anywhere, I'll go. My only plan is to head for the bank and to a mailbox. I do hope to do more art.

I just hope I won't need another snow day to get me going again.

later,
lin

What fun! A Blizzard!

2010-12-26T12:11:00.000-05:00

We are expecting a blizzard late afternoon into Monday and I am quite prepared to stay indoors and watch the flakes fly. I'm sure it'll be a fun time for some people who will go out in the snow and then wonder why the roads are bad.

This morning I had to do my food shopping for the week since I really won't have an opportunity to do so. For what it's worth, I do not drive so I walk to the market from my house (thankfully it's not that far). My schedule this week is a bit full so today was really the best day to do the shopping. Anyway, I was amused at the panic-stricken shoppers. There were NO shopping carts available in the store--they were either in use or out in the lot. The milk supply was diminishing, although the store had brought out extra milk, and there was extra bread in the bread aisle. This is all because we were hit with a blizzard 32 years ago that shut the state down for a week. Memories are long here.

The Weather Channel is of course covering the storm to the exclusion of almost all other weather in the nation. And they're eager to exploit the storm for ratings. Sure, I checked the Weather Channel this morning, since I missed my local forecast because I went food shopping, but the TV is now off and music is playing, and all is calm.

I certainly hope the storm won't be the blizzard they're forecasting. Pawtucket is on the line between 18-20 inches and 12-18 inches. Snow is more inconvenient for me than for most, since I have to walk in it. But at the same time, I delight in snow. I love how it drifts down. I love the look of snow (except when it's dirty, of course). I love the peace of snow falling. You know when snow is falling because it blocks out sound.

Loreena McKennitt, the fabulous Canadian interpreter of Celtic and Middle Eastern sounds, said it best in her song, "Snow":

Then all is silent and the snow falls
Settling soft and slow
The evening deepens and the grey
Folds closer earth and sky
The world seems shrouded, far away.

It's noises sleep, and I as secret as
Yon buried stream plod dumbly on and dream

later,

lin

A thought at Christmas time

2010-12-24T16:36:00.001-05:00

I admit it, I'm a Grinch about Christmas in a number of ways.

I dislike that Christmas decorations go up in stores before Halloween
I hate that 3 local radio stations played Christmas music starting BEFORE Thanksgiving
I hate the constant emphasis on buying big gifts instead of letting the thought be most important
I hate that the reason for the holiday seems to have gone elsewhere

And those are just a few.

But as I sit before the computer, listening to a CD of Christmas lessons and carols by the King's College Choir, I feel much better about Christmas. I feel more in tune with the holiday's true meaning, commemorating the birth of Jesus. Maybe, as archeology is beginning to find, Christ's birth didn't happen at this time of year, but that hardly matters. It's the thought that counts. It doesn't matter when you celebrate a birthday, as long as you celebrate it.

So, I wish everyone and anyone reading this blog the very same wish. Happy Christmas and may you be surrounded by joy and happiness, and may Santa have been good to you.

later,
lin

I was actually productive yesterday

2010-12-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

I made two large backgrounds on 11x15 sized watercolor paper. These are now going to be enhanced with rub-ons or stamped images. Friday I'll head over to kinkos to make color copies, and maybe over Christmas weekend make cards with the results. I am quite happy with the results of the cards made while at Michele's house Sunday. I scanned them last night, and here's one of them.

I wanted to upload another but Google is not cooperating.

Either this morning, or later today I will be working on something else. Not sure what, exactly, but I think it'll be another background. Or I'll work more on what I did last night. Either way, I feel a bit more energized. Maybe it's the prospect of actually starting the business side of my art. Don't know but I would like to maintain this feeling for a long time.

Today's schedule includes a trip to the dentist. Maybe I'll make a piece inspired by that!

later,
lin

Thinking about the future

2010-12-20T17:06:00.001-05:00

I spent the day working on art with my friend Michele while her husband Adam teased us, yelled at the tv, and napped.

We had a great time, eating subs, chips, quiche, and everything else we could find. Adam was grateful I'd brought him some doughboys (Note: I don't know if anyone else has these in their area but they are BIG flat donuts). Here's a recipe for how to make them: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/doughboys-recipe/index.html.

When we're together the conversation goes all over the place. We talked about Michele's teaching craft classes at a local community center, conceptual art, avant-garde art, Aretha Franklin, football, but most importantly where I was concerned, we talked a bit about my work.

I had brought, as a Christmas gift for Michele one of the calendars I had originally intended to sell on Etsy. Selling them didn't work out because I misplaced them and didn't find them until Thanksgiving. Instead, I decided to give them as gifts. Michele adored the calendar and was surprised I hadn't sold any. So we talked about business and I told her that I really was thinking about doing Providence's Open Market (http://www.providenceopenmarket.com/) in 2011, and that I felt I could handle a show with her and our friend Jenn.

Which got me to thinking about where I am heading with my work. I don't know how well my work would sell, but I've decided that 2011 will be the year when I really make an effort to sell on Etsy, Artfire, and/or ShopHandmade. It's about time I started taking this seriously. 2010 was supposed to be my year, but as we all know life had other plans for me, although I did manage to do art. As part of taking things seriously, I've been bringing some of my things to be framed professionally. It's pricey, but I'm told I'll be taken that much more seriously. We'll see.

So we'll see how things go. Hopefully people will become interested in what I do and buy, buy, buy. When I'm ready, I'll advertise the shop(s).

later,
lin

The sun is shining again

2010-12-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

I'm just beginning to realize that these bouts of depression are cyclical. So, I guess that means I have to deal with 3-4 days of depression followed by 3-4 days of positivity. I suppose I can deal with that. I've consulted with my psychiatrist over the phone (I see her Tuesday) and she is reluctant to increase the dosage of my medication, which treats several of my symptoms. I don't blame her--too much and I get dopey. I'm not sure which is worse--feeling dopey all the time or dealing with depression. Both are pretty even on the scale. So I can deal with the depression, knowing that it will pass and things will get better. Then worse. It is what it is.

I often show pieces that are pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. But here is a piece in progress that I cannot seem to make work. It's the result of pressuring myself to finish something before Monday so that I can take it to Joann's to be framed. And I'm only rushing to get it to Joann's because they have a sale on framing--50% off (which is usually the case for people on their mailing list) PLUS 20 bucks more on the entire order. So I've decided to let this one rest and it'll become something sooner or later.

Or I can just pull off what's there and redo. I've already done that once. Could be I just don't like the canvas size.

later,
lin

Not much to say....

2010-12-16T18:22:00.000-05:00

I haven't been well the past few days and have not been creating anything worth writing about. Basically my poor mood of the past few days has resulted from a combination of factors, including grief over losing my job, my distaste for the holiday season, uncertainty about the future, my dad's impending birthday, and other things.

Although I often think that I have come to terms with different issues, periodically I am reminded that I am still not "there" yet, and this is one of those instances. I had thought I was more certain about the future, but reminders about an impending termination of health insurance, concerns over prescription costs, and a recent letter informing me that my current insurance will no longer cover treatment at the hospital where I am seeing a psychiatrist and, indeed, hospitalization should that occur--NOT that I'm expecting or wanting to be hospitalized, mind you. But I don't want to be treated at another local hospital should that be necessary. And I want to keep my current psychiatrist--I've already had to change psychiatrists once this year. So I will just hold my nose and pay the additional costs.

What I'm really pondering, though, is the fact that seven months have gone by since this "adventure" has begun, and I have no idea what I will be doing in the future. Oh sure, I want to do art and it would be nice if I could make a living from it, but that's not realistic. I would like to return to work at some point but am totally unsure what that could be. My confidence level is very low, I find that I doubt my abilities to do anything right, and I really am uncertain whether I could return to working as an administrative type. I'm not sure I have the mental capacity anymore. Even though I can write, I often have trouble following directions, understanding instructions, and figuring out what it is I'm supposed to be doing.

Maybe someday I will have a clearer idea of what it is I'm meant to do. Someday I will return to work and find something fulfilling to do in the years before I can retire. In the meantime, I need to keep pushing and try to keep my mood up. Otherwise I will become a very boring person.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to get something done this evening. At least for 15 minutes I can try, right?

later,
lin

A day of creation

2010-12-13T10:50:00.000-05:00

I spent the bulk of yesterday creating calendar pages to help out my friend Lisa who had organized a calendar swap that was pretty much complete, only to find out that the December pages weren't coming.

So this is what I came up with. I"m pretty pleased with how they came out. They're simple, to the point, and fun.

No great revelations today, just trying to stay awake. It's a gray, windy day, and I have it off from any major commitments like doctors' appointments and harbor house. I like these kinds of days.

later,
lin

Excerpt from an email

2010-12-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

I have found that sometimes it is difficult to be honest about what I am feeling because I fear that those listening will immediately panic and think it's time for me to get more intensive treatment. While I admit I've given those close to me reason to worry, at the same time it makes me reluctant to be open. I can talk about suicide without wanting to commit it. I can talk about behaviors without actually committing them. I think others with mental illness have experienced similar difficulties because people often have such extreme responses to the illness. For many, there's severe discomfort in even contemplating mental illness in the abstract, let alone confronting it in those one loves and cares about.

Anyway, this blog post is from an email exchange I've been having with someone close to me. After rereading it, I felt that this was a good reflection of my world at the moment and worth posting. I've been mired in some dark days lately, and I was explaining to him what I was feeling, and at the same time making sure he didn't feel the need to call in the cavalry.

**************************

My therapist and I had a long conversation yesterday about things. I get obsessive about stuff and stew over things and get upset about things easily even as, at the same time, there are things That may be a lot worse that don't upset me at all. I'm in one of those obsessive phases right now where I am having great difficulty shaking these thoughts. I said to Stacie yesterday, there are times when I know for certain I do have borderline personality disorder (it's a topic of some debate between me, my therapist, and my psychiatrist) because I start thinking, "well if I kill myself, then people will finally realize there's something wrong. And that has been part of my thinking for several days. Not that I really think I'll do that. No, I learned my lesson on that in July. But there are times when it seems like a good alternative.

That's the worst part of the illness. That even when temporal things are going wonderfully, like they really are right now, I can be mired in darkness that I have to dig myself out of. The shovel is full of stuff, I'm throwing it off to the side and then I turn back and it's back again. I've been given tools to get through this but it gets tiring. And the worst part about it is that I am unable (maybe it's a good thing) to let it show. Nobody knows. I function. I bathe. I wear clean clothes. I have the happy face on, I have the game face on--everything's fine. I'm fine. All is well. God forbid I should let on that Ms. Perfect isn't.

Anyway, I have to learn to be much more honest with MYSELF, let alone others. I can no longer try to live a lie and pretend all is well when it ain't. Only by being honest with myself can I be honest with others and only by being honest with others about what's going on can I get the help I need. Tall order because I'm so used to hiding things, important things. Part of the abuse pattern, this need to pretend all is well because we are so afraid people will think less of ourselves should we crack the facade. Actually we kind of know people will think less of us because invariably the reaction is "What were you thinking?" or "Why can't you help yourself?" Or, "I wouldn't have tolerated that at all." Well, if we knew the answer or could leave we wouldn't be in this situation, hmm?

Stacie and I haven't really dealt with the dad stuff very much. There's been too much other stuff going on. There's a pattern I need to break, of sublimating myself to the will of another, of putting people on pedestals and being afraid of being less than said person thinks I am, and I find myself doing the same thing again with Harbor House. I'm afraid of "letting the side down," I'm afraid of being truly open and honest when I am having a bad time because I have to be "super Lin," the one who can get through anything with a smile and a wave, even as bombs are exploding all around me.

And yet.

I could go on and on about this because it's circular thinking. But what's important is that I'm recognizing a pattern, I'm trying to understand what's getting me into these situations, and I'm making a minor bit of headway. I'm also trying to analyze my lack of confidence in myself and trying to self-talk myself into feeling less like the idiot I "know" I am and the strong, capable person I KNOW I can be. And will be. Someday. Yes, someday.

And the darkness will go away again. And come back again. But maybe, just maybe, I can extend the light periods in between to even longer. The sun was out for about 3 weeks before this latest cloudy patch rolled in. That's an achievement. That's the longest sunny period I've had in a while. I can take pride in that.

I hope I haven't frightened you into thinking I'm in dire trouble. I'm not. It's a phase I go through and I recognize the pattern. I am nowhere near the bad patch I was in during July and early August. That was when I thankfully failed at a suicide attempt when I felt it was best I offed myself before I hurt someone (my most successful failure ever). I finally had enough sense when the urge came around again on August 1 to get help. But no, I'm not at that point. Things just seem pointless and difficult and I just can't get out of the mindset right now. But I will. I know I'll see the sun again. I just have to get through the rain first. All shall be well.

later,

lin

What I'm thinking about holiday stress

2010-12-08T15:50:00.001-05:00

This is something I wrote for the Harbor House newsletter, to be published this month. Maybe someone can find something useful....

For many of us holidays are difficult periods to get through. I rarely socialize with anyone at all—no family, no friends, just me and my cats. Do I mind not being part of the holiday celebrations? I admit I do, in spite of the stress they inevitably cause me. Holidays, after all, are about family and friends gathering together to share meals, gift giving, and good times. The fact that I am essentially alone, with no relatives and friends I can really go to for holiday events, means that I can’t enjoy what has become the most important part of Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as other holidays celebrated during November and December. It underlines my isolation. It annoys me. It saddens me. But I’m not sorry for myself. Honestly.

Other people have the opposite problem—too many commitments, too many relatives, too much stress. Seeing family members becomes an ordeal because most don’t understand the illness and don’t want to understand why someone might need to take a break from the crush of people at parties or dinners. The stress of having to answer personal questions and having, even, to shop for holiday gifts can be overwhelming.

I myself don’t know how I feel about the whole deal. On one hand, I treasure the time away from obligations, from having to be at one dinner or another party. Although I do have friends for whom I can purchase or make gifts, most are out of state so I’m not obligated to spend time with them except by phone. But there is that side of me that yearns intensely for a more social holiday season. When I was working, I was able to attend occasional office parties but that, of course, is over now.

Holiday stress is, of course, not an individual problem. Almost everyone experiences it. There are several ways that those of us with mental illness can cope with surviving the holidays.

First and most important: YOU CAN SAY NO to any invitation. There is nothing that says you HAVE to spend time with anyone at the holidays, even your family. After all, if spending the holidays with your family will expose you to anything from guilt-tripping to actual abuse, personally I think spending the day alone is much preferable. If you do choose to spend time with relatives and friends and if you think you’ll feel overwhelmed and anxious at any time, set up an escape plan. Plan to attend only for dinner, or after dinner. In other words, you can choose HOW much time you want to spend with loved ones. Or, if you are at the event and need a moment you can retreat to another room or outside, just to take a breather.

If the thought of purchasing gifts is overwhelming, especially if you are horrified at the thought of venturing to the malls, try shopping online for gifts. You can find virtually anything online. If you’d prefer to give gift cards you don’t always have to go to the stores to purchase them. Places like Stop & Shop and CVS carry gift cards for a number of stores, restaurants, and even movie theaters.

If, like me, you plan to spend holidays on your own, there are ways to do this without becoming depressed. I typically plan for a special meal to treat myself. For example, at Thanksgiving I purchased a rotisserie chicken dinner, with sides and dessert, from Boston Market. I had ample leftovers that I could freeze for future meals if I wanted. I took a long walk, and spent time making art and playing with the cats. It was an enjoyable day, peaceful, without any stress, and I’ll likely spend Christmas the same way, adding church services to the menu.

In the same way, if you choose to spend the holidays on your own, create your own traditions. You don’t have to do things the way your family has always done them if you don’t want to. You don’t need to spend hours cooking a meal if you don’t want to—instead spend those hours doing something you love to do. If it’s necessary for you to have specific tasks to do in order to keep depression or other thoughts at bay, make a list of things to do to keep yourself busy, even if it’s just heavy duty cleaning or organizing. This can work on any other day that you have nothing special planned.

Dealing with holiday stress can be stressful in itself, but by making a plan ahead of time and deciding how you are going to handle visits with loved ones or spending time on your own can make it much more bearable. Most of all, remember that you are in control of the situation. You don’t have to do what you don’t want to. Do what feels right and comfortable and situations can be more enjoyable and fulfilling.

later,

lin

Been sick four days

2010-12-05T10:46:00.000-05:00

But thankfully not as sick as I normally get when I have a cold. I think that attacking it early with cold medications did the trick. Usually by now I have degenerated into bronchitis, and I'm very thankful it has not happened.

I spent yesterday indoors, a little annoyed because I couldn't do what I wanted, which was to go to PeaceLove Studios' art fair (www.peacelovestudios.com) or to the Foundry Artists Show (www.foundryshow.com). I've never been to PeaceLove's art fair, but I have been to the Foundry Show many times and have always loved the work that I've seen and purchased. PeaceLove in particular was something I wanted to do as I have tried to get involved with the group (dedicated to the arts and mental illness), but have not yet linked up with them, for various reasons.

One of those reasons is shyness. I have a great fear of how I'd be perceived. I've been self-conscious since breaking a tooth and not having the cash to have it fixed. I'm in the process of doing that now, since it cannot wait any longer, but I can't help but think (realistically) that people will think less of me because I have a broken front tooth. I'm also shy about presenting myself as any sort of artist. I think of myself as one privately, but publicly it's still a struggle to "come out." Thankfully some strangers who read this blog have said to me that I should definitely adopt that label because my work is good enough, and that makes me feel good. I'm sure other people have had this struggle as well.

As for the art, I'm still not in a mode of wanting to do anything, mostly because I just don't feel well. The last time I attempted to do any work was last Sunday when I tried a couple of things on canvas, but wasn't impressed. I decided then that I wasn't happy with my work space, so I spent the next couple of days rearranging the space to suit me better. When that was done, I caught my cold. It figures.

I'm hoping that I'll do something today. I'm once again staying indoors because I have errands I'd like to do tomorrow--mailing some Christmas packages for one. Besides, it's cold and gray and breezy out there, and I can't imagine a good reason for going ANYWHERE at the moment. Laziness, I guess.

And that is as good a reason as any to do very little, gracefully.

later,
lin

On being crabby

2010-12-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

OK, I admit it. I'm not happy and don't care who knows it. Seriously, it's not that bad but I am not a happy camper as I think I'm getting a cold, I'm feeling stressed, and it's rainy and raw and I stood waiting for a bus that didn't come (I didn't know it WASN'T supposed to come) for an hour and I was freezing. Now that I've been home for a couple of hours and am warm and dry, I still feel like I am getting a cold but I think I can deal with it.

Colds for me, though, evoke a semblance of terror because I have asthma and, almost always, I have breathing troubles when I get a cold. One cold turned into a full blown asthma attack that almost killed me in April 2009. So while I am trying not to worry, the thought has crossed my mind. I cannot call the doctor about this because I don't officially have a cold yet and it's not until I get wheezy that I can try to get treated for possible bronchitis. I understand perfectly but that doesn't mean I like it. Whatever happened to pre-emptive strikes?

Art has been at a standstill for the last few days because I have felt cluttered. My worktable is a mess and so I need to deal with it and have felt too stressed, because of a number of things going on, and tired to deal with it. But I"m hoping to settle down and rearrange and put away things that I'm not currently using, at least put them where I will find them again when I want them. A lot of the things on my worktable are for projects that are part of my work but that are on hold for the moment, like making calendars or making pendants and pins. I fully intend to return to them but am feeling crowded, and there's no need to keep the things ready to hand while I'm not doing anything with this projects.

So that's where things are at. The stresses are because I have major dental work to deal with, too many appointments and things to pick up at different places (like a computer that's being refurbished and my eyeglasses), et cetera. These days, with my brain operating as it is, it's hard for me to deal with more than one "major" task at once. In my current condition, simply picking up the computer at Staples counts as a major task. I noticed yesterday, while at Harbor House, that I was even having difficulty figuring out how to make tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches with a fellow member. And I could not remember things. At other moments I was right on top of things, such as during a group interview of potential staff members.

That's been the case with the cognitive side of my illness. While I can hold it together long enough to leave a good impression, I will at some point fall apart. It's been easier for me to fall apart lately. I am having trouble putting thoughts together again, where that had improved, and my memory is really not working properly. I think stress has a great deal to do with it. I am trying to deal with stress and trying NOT to be stressed, with varying results. But this too shall pass. I hope.

later,
lin

Scanner!

2010-11-28T15:44:00.000-05:00

The scanner finally works. I reinstalled the software and it is actually scanning, so I thought I'd upload a scan of 4 of the 4x4s I completed this past week.

You may notice that these, like the others, tend to be simple. Just a few pieces of paper, usually 3, some German scrap that I get from Lisa Busch's Collagestuff.com shop, an image of a person, and some sort of saying. A friend of mine who saw these said that she was glad to see the humor back in my work. Me too!

later,
lin

So I did do some artwork

2010-11-27T18:54:00.000-05:00

But I can't show it to you because my scanner isn't working for some odd reason. But that's OK, I've ordered a new Epson and it should be coming at some point. My all-in-onehas been on the verge of a slow death anyway, so why be surprised that a key component has decided to give up the ghost, as they say.

I'm still doing the 4x4s, but as I have some canvases prepared I'm feeling like I want to work on a larger scale for a few days. And, as I reminded myself a couple of weeks ago, I still like making paper beads and just have to figure out what to do with them now that I've made them. I haven't forgotten about magnets and pins and pendants either. And there are the so-called "finer" art pieces where I want to be ostentatiously arty and meaningful. Not that I do that successfully mind you, at least in my opinion. Anything I do that consciously has a "deeper meaning" seems to be almost a failure.

It's cold and breezy here in Rhode Island and I am trying to stay warm by doing art and playing with the computer. There are worse ways to spend a Saturday night. Not sure I would have admitted that when I was much younger.

later,
lin

Spending Thanksgiving On My Own

2010-11-25T19:00:00.000-05:00

There are virtues to spending a holiday like Thanksgiving on my own. I can remember Thanksgivings past where the festivities were fraught with tension, where one had to watch one's words carefully in order not to tread any mine fields. My holidays were often spent with relatives I didn't really care about, and quite frankly I dreaded the occasions. Eventually my father opted out of family celebrations and I did too. This was partly because I truly didn't want to go, but also because I was given a guilt trip if I chose to go out with friends or to the few relatives I did want to be around. As I've said before, Dad could be very controlling when he wanted to be, and I didn't have the guts to get past that.

In reading this, though, I sound like a world class prat. Not liking anybody. Being selfish. Being too picky about whom I spent time with. You're probably right. At the same time, my family (like many others) fits the definition of dysfunctional to a T, and I don't even know the entire family history. My brother, with whom I've recently re-established contact, has told me many tales already and there are more to come. I've come to realize that I might have had a good reason for not wanting to be around my relatives, especially since I didn't really know many of them well. Thanks to my father's fanatical need for isolation from anyone who could provide an alternative universe to his kids. Like I said, Dad could be rather controlling.

So, I'm thinking out loud about holidays and thinking out loud about why I prefer to be on my own. It wasn't as if I didn't have an invitation to go anywhere, I did. And I truly appreciated the kindness of the invite. However, I'd just as soon stay in my sweatpants and t-shirt, with a warm robe on and furry slippers too, and play at whatever I liked. I had a meal from Boston Market of rotisserie chicken, three sides, and dessert--enough for leftovers too. I could watch the Macy's parade (or not), or do the cats' litter boxes, trash, and other minor chores--which I decided to do in lieu of the parade. I could play on the computer, wrap Christmas presents that I'd already accumulated, and play with the cats. This to me seemed like a worthy substitute for a Thanksgiving day dinner among virtual strangers, since I don't do well with strangers and would have had to figure out my own transportation--not easy on a holiday.

So why do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself that I did what I wanted to do?

I think it's because we are brainwashed into thinking that the only way to do these holidays is with family, is with social gatherings. Those who choose to be alone are, well, misfits. We don't fit the norm. We're not willing to travel to Grandmother's house for turkey and stuffing--or whatever else one wants to eat. We're content in our own company for the most part. If we choose to make the journey to a Thanksgiving dinner, that's something we really want to do, not because we feel we HAVE to. And that makes the difference.

I can remember a former boss being astonished at my willingness to celebrate holidays alone. This was after my father died in 2007. I tried to explain that, for the first time, I was free to choose my own way of doing things for the first time in years. She didn't get it. And I couldn't explain it properly to someone brought up with always doing family things, someone who'd had a functional, loving family. Further, I couldn't explain that I didn't want to be the "poor Lin" who has nowhere else to spend Thanksgiving, which is how I'd feel.

Rest assured, though, that should I receive an invitation that I'm comfortable accepting, I'll be first out the door to wherever it is. I'm not antisocial, just too lazy to want to rouse myself to attend an occasion where I'm not going to throroughly enjoy myself.

And maybe that is a good enough reason.

later,
lin

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T21:05:00.000-05:00

My therapist is surprised to hear that I am very thankful this year.

Many people, having gone through such a tumultuous year as I have in 2010, might have difficulty finding things to be thankful for, she says. I've lost a job, been hospitalized twice, am officially disabled according to Social Security, face an uncertain future. Yeah, sure.

I'm thankful for many things, though. I'm thankful first and foremost for my life. I feel such gratitude that I have been "allowed" to go on living in spite of a botched suicide attempt or fears of going postal. Recovering from mental illness (though I have my doubts that anyone can truly recover) involves making choices, and the most important choice I've made is to keep living.

I'm also thankful for my physical health. Although it needs to be improved and I desperately need to lose weight, overall I am pretty darn healthy. I am able to walk, talk, toilet myself, use my limbs, breathe without machinery, cook, clean (though I am far from the best housekeeper), shop, et cetera. I can see and hear (not well, but I CAN hear), and I can smell the full gauntlet of scents out there including my favorite--baking bread.

I'm thankful that I can read although it's hit or miss at times. Sometimes my brain short circuits and doesn't allow me to read anything more complex than a shopping list or the back of a cereal box. I'm thankful I can write although, again, sometimes one would think I never graduated from kindergarten.

I'm grateful for my ability to make art. This really has been what's saved me this year. There was a period this year where the art dried up and that was when my most difficult psychiatric patch occurred. In the past two months I've felt creatively alive and have made a number of pieces I like. I can only pray that this spurt continues.

I am also tremendously thankful for my friends and for the family members who choose to be part of my life. I am thankful I reconnected with my brother Will this summer although we have not yet met after about 33 years apart. But we have developed a warm and loving email exchange and if that is all I have, I'm still grateful for that. My friends have been a lifesaver--they've saved me from myself. I also have to say that I'm grateful for my two cats, Junior and Maggie, who force me to get out of bed in the morning. There is truth in the saying that there's no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

So yes, even after a year of turmoil there's a lot I can appreciate at this Thanksgiving. Thank God for that!

later,
lin

Three days gone by

2010-11-20T15:38:00.000-05:00

And I haven't done much about art. I've been pleasantly surprised, however, by how voicing a thing can make it happen. TDI has been paid into my account. I received a letter from Liberty Mutual with the details of my long term disability coverage. I've received word that I have been approved for Social Security Disability--within 3 months of first applying. I can't believe it, and those I've told can't believe it either. I was expecting it to take at least a year and then some, but it appears that either I have a very strong case or those writing on my behalf really knew how to put supporting documentation together.

Today I spent at Kinko's (or FedEx Office as they now like to call themselves) reducing and copying old magazine and newspaper pages (ranging from 1920 to 1963) so that I can actually scan them. These are larger than 8 1/2 by 14 and so can't fit on the scanner I have. So I have a large project ahead of me, one I'm looking forward to.

I'm still working on the 4x4's. I've picked up some 8x8 canvases to mount the 4x4's on, and hopefully will get some of those framed when I have some real cash to spend. Whenever that will be, God knows.

In the meantime, I'm quietly happy about Social Security. That really takes a weight off my shoulders as I really was even doubting I'd ever get it.

later,
lin

I'm cultivating an attitude

2010-11-17T14:20:00.000-05:00

I just am not sure what kind of attitude I'm cultivating.

Seriously, these days it's all about maintaining patience as I wait for things to happen. Of course what is uppermost in my mind is the fact that Rhode Island Temporary Disability Insurance once again has decided not to deposit money into my checking account. This is most likely because they received a form recertifying my disability too late for payment to be sent. I hope this is what's happened. Just in case, though, I had my doctor's office re-fax the form to TDI this morning. How that office must be sick of me. I seriously must drop a gift off at that office for Christmas (something sweet) because they have had to do so many favors for me this year.

But what the TDI thing means is that right now I'm broke. Because, you see, I was expecting the money to have been deposited today. So I did foolish things like bill paying and food shopping. Shouldn't have done that, all right. Oh yes, and I also took a trip to Jerry's Art-a-rama, to spend $20 on supplies like Bristol paper and fancy papers. Now, of course, I'm wincing at the thought. Anyway, I need to foster an attitude of acceptance and surrender to forces greater than myself that are in control. So says Stacie the therapist, who sort of winced when she said it but it was good therapist-talk.

Yeah, right. Kind of hard to do.

ANYWAY, I am also still waiting for my letter from Liberty Mutual (and a check too). I have left a message for my case manager to call me with a status report (sounding oh so official). AND I am waiting for a disbursement from my retirement funds. I've been told that it's in the works but not to expect payment before the 30th.

If I am repeating myself, I'm sorry. It is just that these things are on my mind and I must vent somewhere.

However, I am trying to pour out some of my irritation and annoyance and, yes, concern into art work. I've been continually working on those 4x4s and thinking of new ways to do other things. I'm thinking about 2012 calendars (if the world lasts that long since the Aztec Armageddon is supposed to happen in 2012), and I'm thinking of greeting cards. Mostly I'm thinking about staying busy and trying to avoid dwelling on things. I think that's an attitude worth cultivating, don't you?

Here are three more 4x4's

later,
lin

Waiting is the hardest part

2010-11-15T09:21:00.000-05:00

I am waiting, yet again. This time I'm waiting for the National Grid guy to come and swap out the gas meter in my basement. Apparently it's something that must be done every 15 years. I'm stuck here until noon, and have done a few things, such as list a bunch of craft books on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/shops/RhodyArt in case you're interested.

I did finish a piece and am posting it below. I think it's missing something at the top but I do like the piece as is. Did some backgrounds last night, and will be making more of these small collages. I'm trying to stay busy--sometimes the spirit isn't willing.

later,
lin

Another lovely Saturday but I'm grouchy

2010-11-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

It is currently 64 degrees and sunny, on a day in November where the average high is usually around 54. This week has been mostly gray, rainy, drizzly, et cetera, so having this amount of sun and warmer temperatures is balm to my soul.

I have decided that I must have Seasonal Affective Disorder because I react so poorly to extended stretches of gray days. Add that to the list of disorders: post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, mood disorder with psychotic features. Previously I'd been diagnosed with bipolar disorder non-specified, but it appears that the psychiatrists have all decided that isn't exactly accurate. Whatever the diagnoses, these things wreak havoc with my life and art, and I find myself wondering sometimes why I have to put up with it. And put up with it I do.

My latest fun thing is increased visual and aural hallucinations. Although my friends Adam and Michele recently learned that fish oil helps relieve the hallucinations, I've been on fish oil for years (heart health) and have not noticed any relief. OR perhaps the hallucinations would be much worse. HEAVEN FORBID! What I'm experiencing is a lesser version? That defies imagination.

Whatever. I'm doing my best to keep it all from defeating me. I'm still in a holding pattern for several things: getting a letter from Liberty Mutual that officially tells me that I have been approved for their disability insurance program; notification that I have an apartment in a local elderly/disabled high-rise; just to name two things. I can't do a number of things without this information as well as other notices. I used to not mind waiting. Now, since it's the story of my life, it's a little harder. But I try.

So how does this all relate to art? Well, it provides a sort of barrier to my work. Sometimes I "come to" sitting at my desk not exactly sure how I got there and not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes I find myself staring into space. The thing is that I can often hold myself together around people since they provide forced interaction (and I have my pride to consider--I don't WANT to be seen as ill and unable to do things), but on my own it's more difficult. There's a limit to how much self-interaction I can do and the cats try, but there is only so much they can do either.

So yes, I'm complaining a bit today. But you know, I'm going to be doing some work later on no matter what. I did start a couple of pieces but haven't gone ahead with them because I'm not sure what to add to them. Maybe I'll be able to figure that out tonight. Let's hope so because I'd love to have some art to upload here.

later,
lin

Small collages rock!

2010-11-11T15:59:00.000-05:00

I am having so much fun doing these small collages. It's a challenge because, after all, you do have less room to work with. Thankfully, I've had some experience working with 4x4 sized collages from doing the little fat book swaps with Lisa Busch over at Collagestuff.com. I rarely felt my collages for her were really that terrific because I was always conscious of having to work within a smaller space to allow for binding. In any case, at least I was not unfamiliar with working small.

What I am now thinking about is what to do with these small collages once I'm done. I could mount them on heavy paper and mat them. I could also mount them on canvases, probably an 8x8 size since that would provide even margins. But I'm having fun. Yeah, sure, it's an enthusiasm or a fad, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Here are 3 more I've done.

later,
lin

Man, I'm tired

2010-11-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

And I am not even sure why, except that it was a busy day at Harbor House in the sense that there were a lot of visitors. Non-stop, it seemed. Here's a picture of the building we've moved into:

It's a nice building. We are currently living in the left hand side of the building while we wait for the right hand side to be renovated. It's a big space, ideally located near Rhode Island and Women & Infants Hospitals in Providence. I know we'll be happy here while we have the lease (for 5 years I think).

So today was rather frazzled for me. I don't react well to busyness these days and upon coming home from today's session, I collapsed on to my bed and rested for about a half hour. Adding to the frazzleness was waiting for a phone call from my retirement company about funds I'm withdrawing from my account.

But one good thing about today's Harbor House stint was that we are probably going to be making greeting cards for the holidays. I have a lot of holiday paper that I'm dying to get rid of, plus stamps that can be used as well. And markers. All stuff that can get donated in the certainty that it'll be used well.

So that was my day. What I did want to show off are two more 4x4s.

I like them both, but probably like the top one better.

that's it from Pawtucket.
later,
lin

Red and Pink.............blah!

2010-11-08T16:49:00.000-05:00

I think I must be getting allergic to red and pink because they don't seem to do much for me these days. And it's a set of colors I've used often with my work. Maybe that's why.

I noticed this not long ago when doing a canvas collage where Michele and I both looked at the red/pink collage compared to the dreaded sepia tone collage and concluded that sepia was the winner. I say "dreaded sepia" because a all too common theme in altered art and mixed media is SEPIA TONE. I remember complaints made in a certain large circulation mixed media arts publication about the overuse of sepia (as well as wings and funny hats), and begging for other colors. Though I am not one to react to complaints like that--and hadn't committed the sepia crime myself--I decided that I was going to avoid sepia as much as possible in my work. Just to be different, ya know.

Well, three or so years later, I'm beginning to see why people like sepia so much. It's a warm tone and it fits in well with many of the pieces that I am now doing. Besides, one can only work so much in red and pink before THAT gets boring. This isn't to say that I haven't tried other palettes, just that I was rather attracted to that particular combination and it worked well with the love themed pieces I was producing. I probably should go back to other palettes, though, like greens, blues, and purples.

The reason I am ruminating about red and pink and sepia is because I've been playing with the 4x4 collage pieces mentioned Saturday. These are two that I've done:

I like the bottom one much better than the top. I just couldn't think of what to do with the red/pink piece, whereas there's a sort of unity with the bottom one. It just seems to work better. I can't explain it more coherently than that--I just like the look. Plain, simple yet there's a certain complexity to it that I like. The red/pink one just looks stupid.

I am currently getting used to sunsets at 4:30. And today we had some snow here in Pawtucket. IT'S TOO EARLY! Of course the snow has been washed away by the rain we've had all day but it was there. This is a bad time of year for me, to be truthful. Holidays are difficult for me to deal with, my father's death was at this time three years ago, and other things happened during this period. Plus I seem to be affected by the seasonal change. I'm hoping that a strict program of doing art will help, as well as regular infusions of sunshine. I'm just hoping that my mood doesn't deteriorate since I've been bouncing from light to dark moods over the past few days.

later,
lin

No sunshine today

2010-11-06T09:27:00.000-04:00

Literally the sky is mostly cloudy. And my mood is beginning to be dimmed by clouds coming through, unfortunately.

There's no particular reason, but I noticed the trend beginning Thursday though I thought it was a momentary blip on the radar.

Then, yesterday, I could feel the clouds coming in during the morning while at Harbor House, then I was sure of it yesterday afternoon and evening.

But at least it's not night time. And that's something to be positive about.

I have been working on my art but desultorily. Mostly I have been looking through paper piles for the right papers to use in what I'm considering a series of collages in dreaded sepia tones. I've also been tinting and painting canvases for use in collages, something new I tried last weekend. I'm not quite obsessed with using the canvases and canvas boards, but I figure that they're lying around doing nothing, why not use them?

Thursday I cut up bristol board to make small collage bases, squares in various sizes, having been inspired by the artist Martha Marshall (http://artistsjournal.wordpress.com/). She is a painter and collage artist, and quite frankly I love her work. I used 2 of the squares Thursday and Friday to make small collages, and am looking forward to doing more.

That's the news from here. I don't have anything scanned yet to show, but that will come soon.

In the meantime, I'm hoping the clouds dissipate and I can get more sunshine into my life.

later,
lin

Election Day is past--THANK GOD

2010-11-03T11:14:00.000-04:00

Although the news programs will be full of analysis of the results for months to come, at least the political ads are over. And that is one of the greatest blessings of the day after Election Day.

My Election Day went well. All the candidates and referendums I voted for were elected or approved. I was particularly discouraged by this year's election because of the lack of civility and the immense negativity. Whatever happened to simply stating your qualifications and letting the people decide on the basis of who was best qualified, rather than constant mudslinging? I guess I'm naive to think that way. I just hate how low campaigns have fallen.

But enough about that.

I wanted to upload the piece that I'm not too happy with. Maybe somebody has an opinion. Michele and I are both unhappy with the piece, albeit for different reasons. Michele says she's bored with my color palette of reds and pinks, and thinks that the buttons are too symmetrical. I simply don't think it worked but can't say exactly why I feel that way. Anyway, here it is.

I started two pieces Monday but wasn't too happy with either one so they've been junked for now. I didn't start anything yesterday, but am hoping to do so today. Yesterday was rather exciting because I received word that I will be getting long term disability benefits from my former employer's insurance company. That makes life a little less difficult. The added benefit is six months of additional health coverage. Which really makes life less difficult for now. I have a lot I could say about finding myself in this position, but that will be for another time.

later,
lin

There are always changes in plans

2010-11-01T16:52:00.000-04:00

My lunch with my ex mother in law didn't happen. Poor Lucille ended up in the hospital with a bad back, and is in quite a lot of pain, poor thing.

Instead, I did laundry, dropped off books at the Y for their book sale, and mailed a package. Not a particularly exciting day but it suits me.

Yesterday's play date with Michele was a great deal of fun in which I completed two collages and laid down a base for a third. We ate lots of junk food and pizza, and basically had a lot of time to talk about many things, including the new apartment possibility, things going on in Michele's life, and suchlike. We both needed a day like this.

I'm uploading my favorite of the two collages completed yesterday. It's in dreaded sepia tones, simply because the combination worked together, and I rather like it, as does Michele.

One of these days I'll upload the other collage. I'm not that fond of it. Something didn't quite work with it, maybe I've used the color combination too much lately. But I'll show it to you and maybe you can tell me what I did "wrong."

Off to sort through old papers that I found this afternoon sitting in a closet. Sometimes it's great fun sifting through junk one has to get rid of. I'm getting rid of three kitchen sized trash bags of stuff tomorrow, and that is a good thing.

later,
lin

Come Saturday Morning

2010-10-30T12:35:00.000-04:00

I had been in a blue period for about a week then, for some reason, the sun came out again on Thursday. That's how I like to call it. One is in the dark for several days, then suddenly the sun rises and, while all is not quite right with the world, there is indeed hope.

Life is moving a bit faster than I want it to right now. I have been contemplating a move to a smaller apartment in a senior/disabled complex, but figured I'd have more than a year to prepare for it. And there's a lot of preparation when you've lived in one place for 30 years and that place has four good sized rooms. Lots of stuff, lots of clutter, lots of junk.

But one of the places I have my eye on apparently has lots of vacancies, so says my ex-mother-in-law Lucille. And, being the good and loving person she is, she spoke to the manager about me and about the fact that I wasn't planning on applying for a spot for at least another month because I'm not clear on my income after November 30. No matter, said the manager. I can apply now and include a letter explaining my situation giving them approximately the income I think I'll have. So the form has been completed, Lucille and I will drop it off on Monday when I see her for lunch, and then I wait for whatever answer will come. I suspect, though, that having Lucille in my corner will be a plus and that I'll probably be accepted.

Then what?

I don't even want to imagine it, though I have been contemplating the move for about a month and a half, ever since I got the idea into my head that this was the right thing to do. And so I've been cleaning out a bit every day, counting a day of bringing down additional trash to what I normally do as a good, productive day. I am giving a large box of fabric to a friend in Virginia, donating a large accumulation of postage stamps to a children's charity, and already have two bags of clothing to give to Goodwill or the Salvation Army or whatever. And there'll be more.

There's the bric-a-brac that I have no idea what I'll do with. People keep telling me to list it on Craigslist and I may do so. You know. advertise "Mystery box of potential Antiques Roadshow treasure" or something like that. I could list it all individually on Ebay but that is a daunting thought. So all that may be given away too.

I am planning to give away a recyclable tote bag stuff with scrapbook paper on Ebay. Craft materials to a local charity that works with developmentally disabled adults. But there's tons more of stuff and I'm beginning to think that it'll be more useful to hire someone to take it all when I do move, someone who can come in, clean out the apartment, and leave the place sort of OK for Elisabeth the landlady.

I know Elisabeth will be sorry to see me go. A steady monthly income, even at the peppercorn rent I pay (only $475 monthly plus utilities), is hard to lose. And I'll be sorry to leave the place. Even though there are years of bad memories, there are good memories too. But it's time to start fresh, and I think it will be a good move for me. I'm doing this because I need to be around more people, have a (sort-of) built-in social life. I'm tired of being a loner. After 50 years it's time to move out into the world, don't you think?

I haven't done any work for the past few days, not so much because I've been blue but because I've been sorting. Sorting is good for the soul, after all. Tomorrow, however, I am moseying over to Michele's for the day and have a project already in a bag to bring with me. We'll see what comes out of that!

later,
lin

Thinking vocationally..........

2010-10-26T15:31:00.001-04:00

It is a glorious late October day here in Rhode Island. Current temperatures are at 71 or so. Although parts of Rhode Island have not yet had a killing frost, I think we can call the period we're in "Indian Summer" since it is warmer than it's supposed to be--I think a good 10-15 degrees above normal anyway. But we'll take it. It's sunny, it's mild, and there's a nice breeze blowing. Junior and Maggie are taking advantage of the open windows by sleeping on the sills, Maggie on the south window where it is sunny. It seems silly to have my heat set up but two weeks ago it was indeed raw and colder than it is today. Besides, later in the week we're supposed to be in the low-mid 50s outside and I'll bet it'll be windy as well.

I am currently picking my way through a book I got from the library, A Life at Work by Thomas Moore. I haven't gotten very far yet as my interest in reading (and ability to read well) is hindered by that darn cognitive problem. The book is basically about work as vocation, rather than just a way to make a living. And it is about finding that vocation, something that isn't necessarily approved of in our society. We are too apt to find a JOB, not necessarily a CAREER or VOCATION. A vocation is really something to be passionate about. I don't know too many people who are passionate about their jobs. Several, in fact, downright hate their jobs and long for a way to fulfill their passion, whatever that may be. Some haven't figured out what their passion is.

I can only say that office work was never my passion, but it was my life. I invested almost all of my identity into my job as a way to escape from a home life that was far from ideal. Now that the job has been gone for about six months, I'm just now dealing with the empty shell it has left behind. My brother, God bless him, has encouraged me to find that passion. I haven't done so well with that lately, as my mood has been so-so, but I am encouraged by my new interest in learning more about work as vocation.

What I'd like to do is make my art my vocation. But in order to do that, I really need to work more steadily at it, rather than sit staring at my worktable or the two cats or even the TV. I find myself blanking out, not being able to figure out what it is I want to do. Periodically, as the work I've been posting shows, I do get that creative burst and am able to make something that's worthwhile. Lately, though, it's been a bit difficult.

But I'm encouraged also that I'm not the only one. An article by Loretta Benedetto Marvel in the November-December 2010 Cloth Paper Scissors is all about losing that creative urge, and how she took a plein-air painting class as a way to jumpstart it. I don't know that I would do the same thing, but I am certainly thinking about doing something different. We'll see what happens. But it would be nice to feel as if I'm accomplishing something again. Something that I'm happy with and willing to own as my work.

later,
lin

Thinking about Work and Life

2010-10-22T15:55:00.000-04:00

Yesterday in my weekly therapy session with Stacie, we chose to work on the topic of...WORK. And what I felt about being out of work, losing my job because of my illness, all the things that come with becoming disabled.

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to return to work. That I miss the act of working. That I miss the camaraderie that comes when working with a team of people all interested in doing the best job possible even in difficult circumstances. And I miss the structure. And the money, yes, I do miss that.

But while I want to return to work, I know that, at least for the foreseeable future, I can't work. I confessed to Stacie yesterday that as part of the rehab process I want to return to school, but that I no longer had the confidence to think that I could read textbooks or academic books of any kind. I notice when I try to read anything more complicated than a short chapter in a book or an article in a magazine that I freeze. The words become jumbled and I can't figure out what's been written.

Thankfully I seem to have my command of the written language. Spoken is sometimes difficult as I cannot seem to marshall my thoughts in order to communicate them without sounding like a blooming idiot.

So it's discouraging, you could say. Not just the cognitive issues that linger on, but it's the mental illness too. I've been told that I've made great strides although I still have a serious illness. I sometimes just don't think I have done as well.

Thankfully again I have my art, which is ever so slowly starting to come back into my life. Here's another piece in the series that I had worked on.
I like it a great deal, and think I'll have to make more backgrounds so that I can make more of these pieces.

later,
lin

Sometimes things don't go as planned

2010-10-18T16:27:00.000-04:00

I had planned to do the Y today but slept very poorly last night, and I knew that if I tried to do the bike or the treadmill--heck anything!--I'd not last too long. The stamina just wasn't there. I did manage to get my laundry done, and did some cooking. The afternoon was spent working on material for Harbor House, the group I've become involved with. Harbor House is a place where those struggling with mental illness can go to gradually work their way back into the workforce. I became interested in the organization through my friends Adam and Michele. Adam is also a Harbor House member. Here's a link to its Facebook page if interested:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Harbor-House-Rhode-Island/101680749896020?ref=ts

Today, I worked on an intake form, the October newsletter, and a brochure. It's surprising how long these jobs can take, but it's more surprising how praise from the staff of Harbor House, Ralph and Lori, can boost one's self-confidence. My self-confidence has been extremely low in the past year or so, and I have had great difficulty believing I can do any kind of work properly and accurately. Even now, with Ralph and Lori cheering me on and my friends as well, I still have a hard time believing I can do anything right. That's something I'll have to work on.

However, one thing that is (for now) going OK is my art work. Here's another piece from the series I've been working on. Incidentally, the images of people are from one of the Dover collections, I think the Victorian etchings archives of men and of women compiled by Jim Harper. They're great collections and well worth a look if you like the vintage look.

I hope I'll be able to work on something tonight. But first I must clear off the worktable, which has become uninhabitable again.

later,
lin

Thinking About Paring Down

2010-10-16T18:12:00.000-04:00

Some of you know that I am planning to move to a smaller apartment, partially out of necessity. The apartment I live in now is, shall we say, dilapidated for a number of reasons, and it's time I lived someplace decent. Also, I don't feel comfortable living in just a three-family house but feel the need to be around more people. So, the plan is to move to what we call "high-rises" for the elderly/disabled in our community. The only problems are: 1. the waiting list for these units are long; 2. it'll be a much smaller space.

Currently I'm in a four-room apartment with large rooms and ample closet space. And I have a lot of stuff, some of it stuff from when my dad was alive. So, I'm going to have to dump the majority of it because it's stuff I really and truly don't need. My mantra is going to be: if I haven't used it in 2010, I probably don't need it, with a few exceptions (the slow cooker, the sewing machine, the new vacuum I bought but still haven't used).

And this means I have to pare down the art stuff. Supplies I haven't used since 2009 are going. My collection of Somerset Studio back issues is going. Probably Cloth Paper Scissors too. The reason I can peacefully divest myself of those is that I've copied the pages that I want and put them into binders holding project ideas and other information.

And I know I will hold on to family pictures. I'm not sure why to be honest, since much of what I thought I knew about my immediate family I've found to be false. In the period since my most recent hospitalization I've learned about the physical abuse we all endured from my father. I already knew about the controlling aspect of my dad's personality--now, there's this to contend with. In any case, I know I will hold on to photos from older generations but will probably put the more recent photos in storage.

So there are changes to be made and a general clearing out that will not only be good from a cleanliness and order standpoint, but also be good for the soul. As I rid myself of extraneous junk, I'll be ridding myself as well (hopefully) of emotional and physical baggage. Doing this may be an important part of my recovery.

And art making is still an important part of that recovery. This past week or so has been creatively fruitful and I certainly hoping this pattern will continue. In the meantime, here's another piece I have completed but not yet matted.

later,
lin

I actually did something!

2010-10-15T10:36:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to get my mojo back, ever so slowly. Maybe that means I'll post to the blog more frequently. I just haven't felt like I had much to say and have wanted to try to avoid the subject of mental illness although maybe I should still write about how I've been feeling and what's been going on. I'll have to think about it.

In the meantime, here's something that is almost completed. I have a couple of little things to add and I need to mat it, which is why the image of the elderly woman is so far in, I was accounting for the mat.

I like this piece. There's a wistfulness about it, a sadness. It feels good to finally be working consistently again.

I'll be uploading other pieces in days to come. Maybe the dam has broken and a flood of creativity will spill over.

later,
lin

The creative bug is still hibernating

2010-10-09T10:49:00.000-04:00

However, I am trying to keep creative by making bases for future work. Tomorrow, I am heading over to meet my friend Michele to wander around Federal Hill for the annual Columbus Day festival and, later, to go back to her house to do a little bit of creative work. So maybe something will come of that.

Since my last blog post, I have been keeping busy with doing two mornings a week at Harbor House, exploring Providence, checking out a potential new apartment complex, going to the Y, and other little excursions here and there. I've done a walkathon for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill as well. That was a great deal of fun although my body protested afterward.

I have done two hearts that I'm not entirely sure about. They seem awfully plain. But maybe I can add something to them to make them look more "me."

I just noticed that in the scan I have another one of those little collage pieces I'd scanned earlier. Oh well.

In addition, here's a photo of me with one of the walk's participants, Carole Marshall, the mother of a Harbor House member. I'm the big person on the right.

We all wore blue Harbor House t-shirts, which generated many positive comments, especially for the legend on the back:

The meaning of the slogan is simple: Harbor House is a place of calmness where those with mental illness can start working on rebuilding their lives, mostly through finding work that they can do. The running of Harbor House depends primarily on member activity and it is through completing necessary tasks to keep the house running that members regain their confidence in being able to work in the community.

later,
lin

Where is my motivation?

2010-10-03T10:35:00.000-04:00

Well, lying in the dust I suppose. My plans for today included food shopping and going to the Y. Unfortunately, my body has other ideas. I was able to do the food shopping but the old body says a resounding "NO!" to the Y.

I probably should fight through it but quite frankly, I did a walkathon yesterday and my legs and back, and even my arms are sore in unexpected places. Ouch! So I'm going to heed my body's pleas and take it a little easy today. Tomorrow, however, I WILL go to the Y before having lunch with ex-Mom-in-law and her brother and later going to a doctor's appointment.

The walkathon was for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill--the NAMI Walk. Held in Roger Williams Park in Providence yesterday, its intent was to raise awareness about mental illness. Unfortunately, there was no media coverage that I could see so I'm not sure how much awareness was raised. The walk was fun, though, in spite of the pain. I got through it by walking with friends from Harbor House, the program I've become part of, a program that seeks to get those with mental illness back into the workforce.

Adam and I had some good conversations about hospitalization, medication, and other similar topics while we walked. He is going to be working as a peer support person at Butler Hospital this fall, which means he'll be going on the wards and helping to lead support groups for patients. Peer support is really important, more important I think than medication or therapy sometimes. Medication helps dull the pain, therapists help understand the pain, but peers KNOW the pain. I myself have been wanting to do a support group but have had difficulty doing so because of transportation. However, I've now learned of a group that meets in the afternoon and will try to go there.

In the meantime, I haven't done a whole lot of art work. The motivation just doesn't seem to be there, unfortunately. However, I went back to some projects I'd put aside a couple of months ago, when I started having real difficulties, and made some things that will eventually become pins or magnets or charms. This is what I've come up with so far:

Some of these came out really well, and I'm very pleased with them.

I've also made two hearts that will become mini collages, once I figure out what's going on them. I still can't seem to make "great art," but I'll take what I'm doing as I must create and I've been very frustrated at my inability to do so these days.

So that's what is going on today. Hopefully my motivation will be better tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to hunker down and play with paper and stuff, after making some meals for the week.

Later,
lin

Ok, so I've not posted since last week

2010-09-27T15:46:00.000-04:00

And that's because I haven't really had much to say and at this point I've learned that there's no need to try to force something to come out if it doesn't exist.

I also have been lazy. I admit it.

Not that lazy, actually, because I have laid a few foundations, I just don't know what to do with them yet. I also delved into a folder of reproduced Dover illustrations to see just what I had and am now cutting those out because I have gotten bored with colored illustrations. For now.

I also discovered that I have two sets of Dover's reproductions of Sears' catalog pages from the 1930s through the 1960s. Wonderful! I can cut up one of the sets.

While killing some time waiting for my optometry appointment this morning, I popped into the Borders at Providence Place Mall and, as usual, scanned the shelf of Dover books. I found two possibles: a collection of matchbook art and a collection of spot advertisements, both from the 1920s and 1930s. I'm considering those, but when I get some extra cash I want to go to their website and see what else I can find along those lines. I just wonder if they're going to start publishing more illustration books for the 1960s, since that was 50 years ago after all. Maybe I should suggest it to them.

When I actually create something useful, I'll let you know. But I figured regular readers might be wondering what was up.

later,
lin

Results So Far

2010-09-22T16:08:00.001-04:00

My output hasn't been as prodigious as I'd hoped but I am trying to do something daily, no matter how I feel. For what it's worth, it's been an odd couple of days where something is going on and I can't quite put my finger on it. I have called my doctor and my therapist knows, so I've done what I can thus far. I have also begun the journey of searching for an apartment in subsidized housing for the elderly/disabled. No, 50 does not make me elderly but it appears that I can qualify as a disabled person. Apparently it takes forever to get into one of these places so it's a good idea to start the application process early. So I have requested applications, have several places to make phone calls about and we'll see what happens.

On to the art. The first piece is a success, in my opinion. I had created a larger collage from various papers and measured the results with 5x7 and 4x6 mats and chose what I wanted to use. I then took this piece and another and painted a wash of burnt sienna/white over the collage for a unifying element. I'd always wanted to do this but, for some reason, had always been afraid to do it. There are a lot of things I don't do because I'm afraid of screwing up. The final act was to glue the netting on the piece, and Ta Da!

The second piece started out fine but turned into a failure when I decided to add an image that obviously was too large for the size of the piece. I'm keeping it as a reminder of how not to do a collage.

Finally, this is something that I've done that isn't finished. I'm not sure yet what I am doing with it. It's just going to sit for a few days until I make my decision. I have other collages that are not yet finished and my plan is to make more and see what I come up with.

later

lin

In Progress

2010-09-20T10:02:00.000-04:00

Well, I did not do very much while waiting to be picked up for the party on Saturday, but I started to pull things out of boxes and bags to use for collages so that was progress.

Sunday, however, turned out to be somewhat productive. It took me a while to get started but by the end of the day I had ended up with two collages that were not quite finished but far enough along that I felt mildly satisfied with what I'd done. Otherwise, the day was not so great. I sense the medication I've been on for over a year is no longer working well. I also did some searching of sites for prescription drug prices and was not happy with what I found for three of my meds.

My intent now is to take those two collages that I worked on yesterday and do a light color wash over them, measure them against a 5x7 mat to see what looks good, and then cut them out. As a final step I'll be adding a focal point of some kind. Probably one of my cut out images. And some words. I must add some words.

That's the news from here. Further progress reports to follow.

Later,
lin

Not a whole lot of stuff going on

2010-09-18T14:17:00.000-04:00

However, I am trying to make sure I sit at the worktable every day for a period of time to try to jump start something, even if I am only doing prep work, such as cutting images out or something else along those lines.

One thing I'm thinking about trying is making a calendar. Actually I had made 3 of them, intending to sell them on Etsy, but as is usual in my life I misplaced them. In thinking about it I wasn't too happy with them anyway. Then Lisa Busch, of Collagestuff.com, set up another calendar swap where we were to each make 13 pages for a particular month, send them to her for assembling, and then get back a complete calendar. I did this last year and had a blast doing it. This year I was assigned the month of March and have already sent my pages in. Here is a sampling of what I made:

So, having gotten this under my belt, maybe it's time to make another calendar.

What's stopping me is an intense inferiority complex. I simply have come to believe that I am not capable of doing art or crafts or anything. And so I am afraid to do anything for fear I'll waste supplies. For now, at least, I've lost the joy of just doing something for the sake of doing it--of playing. And that is something I need to work on--or else. I need to be able to create because that makes the days go by faster. I need to feel as if I am contributing something, and art is my thing to contribute.

I've just resolved, this very moment, that no matter what, I'm going to make SOMETHING every day. Small or big. A crayon drawing or a collage. Doesn't matter. I need to make something, every day, or this block will just continue on ad infinitum. That is something I simply cannot bear. So, while I'm waiting to be picked up for my 50th birthday party, I'm going to do something. What, I don't know. But it'll be something.

later,
lin

Third Chapter Continued

2010-09-15T10:08:00.046-04:00

My brother Will, with whom I've reconnected, and I have been having email conversations about what I really want to do with my life, now that it seems that I likely will not be able to return to work for quite a while. Of course, a lot depends on how the multitude of paperwork progresses and what the results are of all that paperwork. I've applied for Social Security Disability and the long-term disability insurance provided by my employer. At least, my previous employer since I no longer have a job to return to.

It's a curious thing, knowing that I'm disabled. My memory issues are still plaguing me, I find it difficult to read anything much more difficult or complex than a mystery novel, and although I seem to have little difficulty writing, writing is a hit or miss affair in that sometimes I can write reams but more often I have trouble writing a paragraph without a great deal of editing. And I haven't even mentioned the psychiatric troubles! What I am trying to say about knowing that I am disabled is that I have finally, truly, seriously accepted the situation where, before, I think I was play-acting or thinking that this wasn't really true. Silly me. I keep repeating this because I am making myself understand that this is no longer a game. I'm not being self-defeating by accepting the disability by any means; I'm just facing up to the facts.

So, with help from Willy, I've been exploring what I want to do. I'd like to try to get back to writing, and the blog is going to continue to help me do so. After an email exchange about the meaning of 9/11, I concluded that I really missed the intellectual work that I'd engaged in when I was a grad student studying new religious movements and fringe political groups. I don't know if I have the capacity at this point to do research or reading into these subjects again, but I think I'm going to try. It would be good therapy.

Or I could take up a project that I've had on the back burner for years. I've always been interested in female allegories used as symbols of nations or greater ideals. Particularly I've been interested in how they are portrayed on postage stamps and postcards. I have the raw material--stamps and postcards--and a few books on the subject. Given my library limitations--I no longer have access to a university library but perhaps my local library can assist me in getting resources--I don't know how far I can go. At least, however, I can give it the old college try.

And then there's always art. I've been stymied by the lack of creativity I've been feeling lately. It's been a good six weeks or more since I've done anything substantial. Mostly it's because I just have had a very negative opinion of the work I've tried to do. In spite of encouragement from my crew, I just don't my work is good enough, probably because I had exhibited a piece in a local exhibition and found myself wanting in comparison to other people's work. Jenn thinks that a sabbatical of some kind would be a good thing. A trip to a park, sitting by the sea, going to a museum or two, that sort of thing. I think she's right. Looking at something different from the same old places would be good for the soul. I have a feeling that my therapist would be very happy if I did do something like this.

My days this summer were mostly filled with doctor's appointments, trying to work and, of course, my sojourns at Butler and then Rhode Island Hospitals. Although I had made plans to do certain things to try to keep myself in a good frame of mind, I never did. So maybe now there's time. Yes, there certainly is time. For my own sake, I must make time.

I am certain I'm not the only one to have found herself in a drought of non-creativity. Perhaps the solution is to just do it and not worry about the results. That would be a novel solution--not worry if the work isn't good enough but just doing it is enough to jump start. Perhaps my soul will win over my mind, my inner self-critic.

It's time. Let's get moving.

later,
lin

Entering the Third Chapter

2010-09-13T17:47:00.001-04:00

It's been a long time since I posted a substantive post here.

A lot has happened since July. I was hospitalized again, both inpatient and outpatient via Rhode Island Hospital's Partial Hospital Program. I've applied for Social Security Disability and another disability insurance program. I've applied for numerous programs only to be turned down. And I've figuratively been slapped in the face, turned upside down, and landed semi-right side up. In other words, a lot of things have changed and I'm still reeling.

And I turned 50 today, September 13. Which is why I've titled this post as I did. Sara Lawrence Lightfoot published a book last year called The Third Chapter, which is about the 25 years between 50 and 75, and I think it's time I actually read it as this period is a new starting point for me as I try to determine just what it is I'm going to be doing and how I'm going to use my new-found self-knowledge to best advantage.

The upside is that I've learned to take recovery much more seriously. Before August's hospitalization, I don't think I really understood that this is going to be a lifelong process and that this is nothing to be laughed off, ignored, or anything like that. I won't go into details as to just what landed me in the hospital. Trust me, it wasn't pretty.

In any event, I'm still going to reflect on my experiences with mental illness in this blog but I want to try to get back to commenting more about art. This is going to be difficult seeing as I haven't really been able to be creative. I'd like to write more too.

Anyway, I just wanted to post briefly to say, I'm doing OK, that I've missed writing daily, and thank you for the private notes that I've received from several of you. I'm going to try to post at least every other day, and hope I'll actually have something to say.

later,
lin

I'm All Right

2010-09-08T10:36:00.001-04:00

Just trying to figure things out. I hope to be back on September 13, my 50th birthday, which I think is a good date to start things over again, yes?

Talk to y'all soon
later,
lin

Hi

2010-08-11T20:08:00.000-04:00

I ended up being admitted to Butler Hospital again and came out on Monday, August 9. And now, I'm doing Partial Hospital again. And dealing with a lot of things going on, including TDI inexplicably stopping my payments. Talk about stress. Anyway, will be back to regularly report on things once my head stops spinning.

later,
lin

Things are still rough but...

2010-07-30T06:35:00.000-04:00

I am trying to get through the turmoil. I am creating but it's been difficult. Sorry to be so boring about this--it's just part of my life right now.
later,
lin

I am not doing well

2010-07-24T08:06:00.000-04:00

A couple of events have sort of brought me to my knees, and I can't really discuss them so I may be silent for a few days. However, I did want to share a scan of some of the Halloween pages I've been working on.

I'll be back soon. I hope.

later,
lin

The end of forgetting about the past, which comes up to haunt you anyway

2010-07-21T12:12:00.001-04:00

The New York Times today has an article preview of this Sunday's magazine article called "The Web Means the End of Forgetting," which has especial meaning for me seeing as this blog has been painfully public about my dealings with depression and other forms of mental illness. In any event, I definitely recommend the article. Though I was unable to read it thoroughly, thanks to my little problems, the gist of it seems to focus on the difficulty of erasing past excesses and opinions in order to start over.

I'm sure we are all familiar with the tales of those unwise enough to have posted revealing and rather crude photos of themselves behaving badly. Or of those whose youthful opinions from years ago have been resurrected and made to seem current. I have skeletons in my own closet I'm not exactly keen on having revealed.

That said, and in spite of concerns raised by some friends, I see no reason to curtail my detailing of my life with mental illness and how it affects me in all ways. Although I'm by no means appointing myself a standard bearer for those who deal with this, I think it's important to be open. For too long, mental illness has been relegated to the shadows--maybe rightly so. I think, however, because it's been so long in the dark many people have misconceptions about mental illness and think that it's somehow different from physical ailments. Trust me, the only way it differs from physical ailments is in its perception by others.

I'm guilty of the same misconceptions, even though I've been dealing with depression almost all my adult life. I, too, have been wary of those who are "too mentally ill," to put it bluntly. And I admit that I too am fearful of misconceptions when I "come out" as someone dealing with mental illness.

Yet I've lived a lie for too long in my life to want to venture back into the shadows. I hid my depression, my bipolar tendencies, et cetera as much as I could, afraid of the ramifications of admitting what was wrong. It wasn't until I had a rather public breakdown that I was forced to go public. At that point, I couldn't hide my ailments any longer--my co-workers knew all about it.

I do hope that those who read this blog regularly, or those who find it by happenstance, don't judge me badly for candidly expressing my thoughts on this subject. I need to talk to someone, if only the computer, my therapist can only see me once weekly, and my friends have their own lives to lead. So, guys, you're it.

In the meantime, it probably is not a good idea for me to post those pictures of me wearing an autumn wreath and waving a cornucopia around. You had to be there anyway to understand.

later,
lin

Not a lot to report but I'm optimistic

2010-07-20T09:28:00.000-04:00

At least I'm starting to get my creativity back just a wee bit. I signed up for a Halloween little fat book swap with Lisa Busch of Collage Stuff, where one creates 10 pages, sends them to Lisa, and she assembles them into a book. So far there are 15 of us doing the project. My pages are almost done already so I'm happy about that.

I am also working on making 2011 calendars that perhaps will sell on the Etsy shop. It took me a while to figure out what I was going to do but now I think I know my way.

I am struggling with making good images of my work to post to Etsy. I have an el cheapo scanner and can't afford to buy a better one, and photographing the work is hard even with the small tripod I have. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

This week is busy with doctor's appointments. Today I meet my new psychiatrist, Dr. T, tomorrow I see the pulmonary guy, Dr. L, and Thursday is Stacie. Then, of course, Monday I have the wires stuck to my head. What fun. NOT.

So that's it from here for the moment.
later,
lin

Adventures in ER Land

2010-07-18T11:21:00.000-04:00

I wish I could give you a play by play version of my adventures on Friday and Saturday but I was too disoriented (sez Jenn) to really pay attention.

What happened is after I posted on Friday, I had dizzy spells and was feeling decidedly unwell. I had had a headache since rising, felt bad enough to go back to bed, and although felt better when I woke up again, I still wasn't quite right.

So what does any right minded thinking person do in a situation like that? This is me we're talking about here after all. What I did was go food shopping. And, like the fool that I was, almost fainted in Stop and Shop. I was able to get home on my own steam but knew I was in trouble. I almost fainted again at one point while at home and went to lie down (after first putting away the groceries of course).

While in bed, I thought about my situation and realized that something was happening and I clearly wasn't managing it properly. As such I decided to call my doctor, then Jenn. Doctor's office was closed for lunch hour, and I decided to wait until 1:30 to call them back. Called them back, no such luck. No appointment until 4:50 that afternoon and I wasn't sure I could wait that long. In the meantime, Jenn's husband Sam had been alerted to the situation and was standing ready to do whatever was necessary. It ended up that I went to the ER, where I was greeted by dozens of people all felled by various ailments. I wasn't far up the totem pole so it was 5:15, almost 3 hours later, that I was put into an examining room.

As I said, my powers of observation were somewhat diminished. Jenn says that my thoughts were sort of wandering, and at one point I thought I'd been brought to a psych ward.

In any event, I was released into Jenn's custody. I was dehydrated, lacked enough potassium, and was seriously exhausted. I was treated with huge potassium tablets, steroid anti-nausea medication, and lots of fluids. I went home with Jenn, stayed overnight, and relaxed. Her parents invited me to spend the day at their house where I could be watched, and I felt much better. By the time I got home I was exhausted again, from all the activity and anxious to spend time with my cats and to sleep in my own bed.

I'm grateful, once again, for the friends I have who make sure I'm cared for. I'm grateful for God making me DO SOMETHING about whatever ailment I was suffering from. And I'm just grateful to be home instead of in the hospital.

Needless to say, I haven't done a heck of a lot. Laziness rules. But I suppose I can cut myself some slack.

later,
lin

This post is NOT about Mel Gibson or Bristol and Levi

2010-07-16T08:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had all good intentions of doing the blog but some things got in the way. I had a neurologist appointment in the morning, lunch with Michele and Adam, then my phone died and I had to get a replacement, then I had dinner with Jenn.

The big thing is the neurologist. She thinks I am having silent seizures OR I have so-called pseudo dementia which can be caused by mental illness OR a combination of both.

The result of this is that I have to have a 2 day EEG. EEEWWW. Two days of goo in my hair, wires attached to me and no shower, bath, or hair washing. Jenn wants me to document this. I'm not sure my language will be printable.

How do I feel about the possible diagnoses? Fine pretty much. Either would explain many of the problems I have been having. The question will be what can be done about them and what are the ramifications? More about that later.

I am exhausted this morning after a poor night of sleep and am debating whether or not to go back to bed or to try to stay up. I'm inclined towards bed but know that's not good for me.

As far as the phone is concerned, I am now the sort of proud owner of a Palm Pre, sort of proud because I am trying to figure out how to make it work for my life.

So that's it from here. One of these days I hope to upload some art work. But I have to make it first.

later,
lin

For what it's worth

2010-07-14T12:29:00.000-04:00

I've started to edit my Etsy shop and sell some things. If interested, check out http://rhodyart.etsy.com.

lin